My Life is a Sitcom

Another Wedding Dream.... At Least This Time It's Not My Wedding!

2011-01-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

So I've graduated from having ~~nightmares~~ dreams about our wedding to having them about other people's weddings. Progress!....?

Had this dream the other night:

Sister-in-Law was in a wedding , and she HAY-AY-ATE-ED the dress the bride had chosen. This much is true. (I think Bride took the old [joke?!] idea of "making your bridesmaids look hideous only makes you look better" to heart....)

So, in my dream, a crowd of us (basically the whole family, which was funny because we would not all have been attending this particular wedding) were at said wedding, standing on the beach, not far from the water's edge, staring/shouting at Sister in Law.

Because she was In. the water.

IN. her bridesmaids' dress.

BEFORE the wedding....

She apparently thought that if she could somehow, "accidentally," oopsies, manage to get, you know, drenched by a wave -- accidentally, of course -- that she could get out of being in the wedding and wearing the gawd-awwwful dress.

She was just helping the process along by riding a few waves. :)

Great plan, yes?!

SPAM: "I shall feed you with full details for the tender"

2010-10-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

This one's short but it's worth it. Just this one line -- "I shall feed you with full details for the tender" -- makes it worthwhile.

SPAM!

********************

Attn: Director,

We are Government accredited commission agents , introducing foreign contractors and companies to Ghana Government for contract supply

of the below listed items to ECOWAS community;

1. T-Shirts and blanket.

2. Fertilizers.

3. Condoms.

4. Office Equipments.

5. Construction and Agricultural Machinery.

6. Storage Tanks and JUTE SACKS.

7. Hospital Bed sheets and Pillowcases.

8. Embroidery Machines.

9. Baby products.

10. Biscuits.

11. Treated Mosquito Nets.

12. Agro chemicals Products.

13. Computers, Desk Tops and Laptops.

14. Medical and Surgical Instruments.

15. Fire Fighting Equipments.

16. Fishing Boats.

17. Canned Food products.

Upon your interest/reply I shall feed you with full details for the tender.You are advice to send you reply on this email address below: mat23302@gmail.com

Best Regards.

Mr. Ernest Opoku.

Agent

mat23302@gmail.com

Thank You For ...Letting Me Rub You?!

2010-10-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

So I got a massage recently, and I just got a thank-you note from a masseuse.

Now let's just pause for a moment -- the masseuse sent me a thank-you note.

Is that funny to anyone else??

Here's what the note said:

Dear Mrs. Sitcom,

I hope your evening went better than you expected (I hadn't told her anything either way, so I wonder what she thought was going on??? :) )

You were great to work with and I hope you would come back again.

Enjoy life and ALL that will come to you for who you TRULY are. (Caps hers.)

Sincerely,
Masseuse (her real name was COMPLETELY CRAZY. You wouldn't believe it. Like, so one of those names that makes you do a double-take and try not to laugh and gawk, all at the same time. Awesome.)

The massage was one of the best I've ever had (which could be related to the two glasses of champagne I consumed directly beforehand, buuuuuut...let's not get caught up in the details, k?!), but now I'm having a weird neurosis about going back to her because of the note, because, like, do I mention the note? Pretend I never got it? Something about getting naked and having a complete stranger rub me...I guess I just prefer my massages with at least the illusion of anonymity.

Weird?

Perhaps.

Just a Smidge Out of Touch....

2010-10-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

I was in line at the airport recently, waiting to have the agent check my boarding pass and photo ID so I could proceed with the usual screening activities, placing all of my liquids and my laptop into a bin and so on, before proceeding to my flight.

As I stood in line looking into the screening area, the woman two people behind me said "You have to take your SHOES off?!!"

She was completely serious, and completely incredulous at the required shoe removal.

No one in line reacted at first, but she kept marveling and finally the guy in between us said, "So, you, ah, haven't flown in a while, huh?!"

"Ten years!" she said.

Wow. Flying has totally changed, but with all the news coverage of the changes and restrictions and requirements implemented after 9-11, I thought everyone would have heard about it -- regardless of how much or little they travel.

It got better though. She continued with "Yesterday, I was at the store, and someone told me you have to put all your stuff into LITTLE PLASTIC BOTTLES!"

...and then it was my turn and I was on my way. Whew!

I happened to run into her again in the restroom...where she positively marveled at the automatic soap and water dispensers.

So perhaps when she said "I haven't flown in 10 years," what she actually meant was "I've been living in a cave for the last decade." ...?!

SPAM: MY! Home Town.

2010-10-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

Your Friday serving of SPAM!:

My Name is Mr.Alain Cook,

I have the intention to invest in your home town but I don't know anybody that can help me to execute this plan when I come over to your country ,This is the simple reason I am contacting you to know if you can be able to assist me in championing this venture to the best of our benefit.

If your are interested,I have the sum of $25M dollars created aside that I intended to invest in your country profitable.

So if you are capable to handle this transaction kindly get back to me to enable us discuss and workout the modalities.

Waiting to hear from you, for further informations and confidentiality please contact me on my personal email

address: alaincookcook@aim.com .

Regards,

Mr.Alain Cook

*******

That's good stuff right there.

Here's Hoping She Was Color-Blind

2010-10-05T03:00:00.000-07:00

So we were walking Dog I and Dog II over the weekend, and I had the most bizarre conversation-while-walking-the-dogs YET.

A woman walked by us, sort of made eye-contact/smiled but kept going, as you do when you're walking. Pretty standard stuff.

Except that a couple steps after that the dogs stopped to sniff something, and then she was right up next to me (she had turned around and come back.)

"Are those both [TYPE OF DOG]???" she asked.

Now, she was asking if they were both a certain color of type of dog. And they are clearly, in no way, the same color. So.

So I said "Well, this one is [TYPE OF DOG SHE THOUGHT], and this one is [SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE OF DOG...which is obvious from their coloring...but I was nice about it.]"

She continued her madness: "Oh, but aren't [DOG WHOSE TYPE SHE GOT WRONG] usually [COLOR THAT THE DOG ACTUALLY IS, BUT SHE APPARENTLY THOUGHT IT WAS NOT. Hence my hoping she was color-blind.]?!"

Me, having no idea what to say, because we were both looking at the dog, who is the color she had just said she "thought" it "should" be but she seemed to think it was not....?

"Well, yes, this one is a [REPEAT TYPE OF DOG and hope she leaves it at that]...?"

Her: "Oh. I had two [TYPE OF DOG SHE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT] before."

Me: "How fun. Well, they're great dogs...."

And then she just walked away.

I looked at Mr. Perfect, who had been a few steps away -- maybe I had mis-heard her?

He was shaking his head and shrugged -- "I don't know...not sure what to say about that one."

All in a day's "walk," I suppose!

Yep -- And In [STATE], [FILL IN SLUR HERE.]

2010-10-01T03:00:00.000-07:00

Mr. Perfect was talking to Sugar Lips (the brother-in-law) on our last visit home.

Mister was making idle chit-chat/trying to fill space with Sugar Lips, mentioned an activity that we partake in, and threw out the non-committal "...if you guys come visit, you're welcome to do [ACTIVITY] with us."

Sugar Lips' response?

"Well, I guess when you're in NEW STATE you [ACTIVITY,] and when you're in Arizona you shoot illegals."

Huh?!

~~Whiskey.~~

~~Tango.~~

~~Foxtrot.~~

~~Who. Is. This. Guy?!~~

~~Grrrr....~~

Where There's Smoke[-y Eye]

2010-08-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

So I went with a friend to a Nordstrom make-up event recently. You could get your make-up done (for free!), and receive a swag bag chock-full of cosmetics fun (not for free. The bag, of course, could only be procured after you had purchased a $pecified amount'$ worth of co$metics.)

Sweet!

I don't wear a lot of make-up (and department store cosmetics prices make my eyes bug out of my head...), but getting my make-up done is right up there with a mani/pedi, getting my hair done, or a massage -- a massive treat! Especially when it's FREE!

(I figured I'd be OK without the bag-o-treats. What I wasn't so sure about was how to gracefully extricate myself from the makeup artist without buying anything if I felt so [un]moved.... But I'd deal with that when I got there. Focusing on the important things: free! makeover!)

Onward and upward, ladies!

We arrived for the "event" -- which, it turned out, was more of a sedate, quiet, weeks-long promotion, rather than a one-time"event" involving a crazed crowd of "University of Nordy's" card-carrying Nords-groupies, plastic noses, plastic boobs, and well, plastic. AMEX plastic, that is (Ed.: I love Nordstrom as much as the next gal, and it's my go-to store -- I know I'll find something great there every time. And that whole "plastic" bit I came up with on the fly. Please forgive me. Moving on.) -- and they set me up with my designated make-up "artist."

Everything started out fine -- they asked me what products I was wearing, did I mind if they removed everything to start fresh, assorted small talk ("So, telllll me more about what yoooou dooooooo....") and started a rather involved de-make-up-ifying process that was incredibly soothing in its laboriousness.

I'm not used to having my face cleansed (by someone other than myself, that is), so it was pretty Zen and relaxing -- I kept having to make sure I didn't relax too much, and enjoy myself right off the high stool upon which I was perched.

The "smoky eye" is everywhere -- the Oscars, the dry cleaners, my office, the Emmys, Starbucks, and of course, People magazine -- and I'm no Makeup Moron, but I don't feel like I've mastered the oh-so-elusive Smoky Eye. So when they asked what I'd like to do, I selected the "learn a smoky eye in three easy steps" option.

Smoky eye, prepare to meet your match, I thought smugly (smudge-ly?! hahah).

Or not.

The "artist" spent at least 45 minutes removing the few swipes of makeup I had slapped on my face that morning, cleansing, toning, moisturizingconcealingpowderingpreppingand... generally caressing my ugly mug. The soft, cool make-up brushes gently kissing my skin, the deliciously-scented lotions and toners and powders, oh my! It was blissful.

I'm relaxing all over again just thinking about it. Or perhaps that's the mojito talking. Who knows. Who cares!

Back to the make-up -- which I may decide should be called a make-down. You'll see....

At about the 57.3-minute mark, said artiste finally started in on the smoky eye. Remember that, the smoky eye? The whole reason I was there in the first place?! Oh, yes, THAT.

So Artiste spent a fair amount of time debating which colors to use, and then began applying the first shade. They talked me through each step so that (in theory) I'd be able to duplicate the look at home.

Great!

Except that each time I looked in the hand-held mirror they'd given me when I first arrived, my lids just looked muddier and duller and blah-er (yes, blah-er. It's a word. I made it up. Just now.) I reasoned that it was my smoky-eye-noviceness that was reacting this way and given that I was in the hands of a seasoned professional, I should quash my neophyte objections and proceed, confident that Artiste would not lead me astray.

Hmmm....

Not much farther along the road to Blahs-ville, Artiste stopped and said "Ummm, would you mind if I take all of this off and start over?!" I said "no...?" "It's just NOT looking right, and I can't send you out of here with it looking terrible." "Sure, go ahead."

Artiste stepped up to the palette, and tried again. It was a little better, and I was quite hopeful with the first few glances in the mirror. And then?

Mud. Mud mud mudmudmud. I don't know if the colors weren't diverse enough, my eyelids are defective....or Artiste just had no idea what the H*ll they were doing. I'm going to go with C (why blame the innocent eyelids if you don't have to?!) I wasn't going to have them re-do my eyes AGAIN, so I just rode it out.

Finally, 20 minutes into Eyelid Look Numero Dos, we were closing in on the finish line...I thought. Then the blush came out...along with the shimmer...another two blushes...the mascara...and the lip "stuff." At this point it was much less blissful...and much more "make it stop! when will it end! just leave me here -- save yourselves!"

Artiste blushered...and shimmered, and contoured...and just a touch more blush. The weird thing was that whatever foundation/powder combo had been used on me, all that blusher barely showed up -- which was just fine by me.

Then we moved on to the lips. And THIS was where it got good. (Oh, you thought the double-eye-job was good?! Yeah, me too. Then I saw my lips....)

Artiste grabbed two really pretty pale pink, shimmery lip glosses. They were really light, and I even thought maybe I'd buy one of them for the time Artiste had spent with me.

As the first one was being applied to my lips {i.e., TOO LATE}, they said "I'm putting this mood gloss on your lips -- it's really cool, it automatically adjusts -- but don't freak out, it's not bad, it won't turn purple or anything like that -- I wouldn't put something weird on you. I've seen it go fuchsia -- but I don't think it'll go fuchsia on you."

Famous. Last. Words.

So, it should be no surprise that the gloss that started out a pale, shimmery, shell pink? Turned full-blown 1980s HOT! PINK! on my lips by the time I left the store.

Artiste continued: "The great thing is that if the color goes away, just press your lips together." {What this really means: When it turns BRIGHT, FLAMING, FLUORESCENT, FLAMINGO FUCHSIA PINK, and you put your own lip gloss on over it to try to fix it and absentmindedly press your lips together to smooth the gloss around? INSTANT, REPEAT, FUCHSIA LIPS. Again. So you just have to wait for it to wear. off. Excellent.}

(Word to the wise: if anyone ever tells you they are going to put MOOD lip stuff on you -- ESPECIALLY at a department store makeup counter {READ: WHERE THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER} -- RUNNNNNNN!!!!)

I'm pretty sure Artiste must have thought I said "Tranny" or "Circus Performer"...or perhaps "Mud Wrestler" when they asked what I did...way back in the beginning when we started down this sordid path...because that's the look they went for. A bit heavy-handed with the blush, weird "mood" lip plumper, and the crowning achievement?

Electric-blue mascara, applied just to the base of my lashes. Because I'm klassy like that.

Whaaaa?!

The funny part was that at the end, Artiste wrote down every product that was on my face, handed it to me, and told me to come back whenever I was going out and they would "do my makeup for me in about 15 minutes...and since we're not a salon, we don't charge or anything." No pressure, no hard sell -- in fact there was no sell at all. It was so easy and nice and friendly. A huge surprise.

Oh, and that "smoky eye" I'd been so excited about? It had morphed into a purple-ish-bruise-esque blob of blah.

Add my war-paint blush and wrong-color foundation, and I looked like a Weird Science-Junior High homage to Gem and the Holograms -- emphasis on Holograms.

It was so bad -- but more so in the disappointment category -- that my skin started to feel all creepy-crawly and I could not WAIT to get home and wash it all off. What a waste!

Mr. Perfect said it looked OK... but that he liked my "normal way better."

I think I'll keep him.

Right after I wash my face!

SPAM: And This Time, They've Got a Sworn Affidavit!

2010-08-20T03:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know you guys...this one might be the one....

Hahaha

***************************************************

EMAIL TRANSMISSION

To: BENEFICIARY,

G20 SUMMIT PLAN.

ATTN: Beneficiary,

In view of several efforts already made by us to contact you for the following reasons based on the new account submitted to this office on your behalf.

(1) My Office desks have just received a sworn affidavit from Mr. Maxwell Kenshole of United Kingom to re-route your payment( 12.5 M) into a new bank account number as stated "VACAP" Federal Credit Union, 1700 Robin Hood Road,Richmond, VA 23220.Account number 32501.of Mr. Maxwell Kenshole.

(2) Please, confirm to our department if you have instructed Mr.Maxwell Kenshole to appoint an attorney/agent on your behalf thereby asking that he receive cash Remittance on your behalf.

(3) It has come to our notice that you are Being contacted by unauthorized individuals with respect to your Compensation but unfortunately this office is not aware of your Unofficial dealings and warned that it is at your own risk.

(4)You are mandated to call the Customer Service: +233- 548291376 ( rogermanfold@africandevelopmentbankgroup.com ) for further clarifications because your fund is now in the transfer status with African Development Bank Ghana, and as soon as you call the number, you can

transfer your fund to any bank account you wish.

Best Regards,

Prof. Donald Kaberuka,

President AFDB.

Aren't Wedding Dreams Supposed to End at, Oh, I Don't Know...THE WEDDING?!

2010-08-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, I had a wedding ~~nightmare~~ dream the other night. And it's been, oh, YEARS, since our wedding. So I pretty much thought I was safe from any more wedding nightmares. Although I did have more of those on our HONEYMOON than I did before the wedding. So I probably should have expected the years-later-wedding-nightmare stragglers. But I didn't. So my brain decided to have a little fun with me.

I dreamt (dreamed? Never did get a straight answer on that one in grade school!) that Mr. Perfect and I were at our wedding reception (which had the sort of yellow glow of Italian restaurants in gangster movies, and I believe was set in a reception hall....) Also, I'm pretty sure my dress had poufy sleeves, and I was sporting a weird 80s/early 90s gigantor wedding headpiece. But my dress was mermaid-style...so at least I had that going for me.

We were at our weird Tony & Tina wedding reception and the toasts were happening. And all of a sudden my mother-in-law stepped up to the microphone and said "And NOW, Mr. Perfect and Mrs. Sitcom will @#$%*()&$)(%*()!" I couldn't tell what she said, but I knew that MEANT that we had to immediately go up on stage and read the funny little roasts/bios that we had written about everyone in the wedding party.

Except it actually meant EVERYONE. IN. ATTENDANCE.

Oh yeah, and? We hadn't written anything. Bios. Roasts. Nothing. This was a complete surprise.

But it was also listed right there in the program. You know...the program we had for our RECEPTION...? Who does that?!

We do, apparently. In my wedding dreams.

So I started to panic, and mother-in-law was up at the mic waiting for us to come up and perform our little monkey show.

Dead. Air.

I kept thinking "I can save this, we can do it, we can fix it, we'll just stall them for a couple of minutes, if it's only a couple minutes no one will notice, we can fix it, just stall, just stall...." while I ran into "the" back room.

To write the bios quickly.

Of course.

Also? Mr. Perfect was nowhere to be found, so I was trying to bust out these bios by myself. And while I was in the back room panicking, the dead air was drawing out longer and longer, mother-in-law was still waiting at the mic, it was getting worse and worse.

Suddenly I was holding all the bios. I found them? I *wrote* them?!

I was up at the microphone...but in a bathrobe. And I was holding the bios, but I did not possess the ability to actually *read* them. HA!

Then I ran back into the back room to try to find Mr. Perfect, and I found him but then the bathrobe was suddenly crazy-dirty, like dirt and black marks all over it?! And I was up on stage in front of all our guests.

Still telling myself I could "save" it.

And then I woke up.

Whew! Sure got out of reading those bios, huh?! Hope no one noticed my dirty robe!

More Spam Spam Spam Lov-el-leee Spam!

2010-08-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

So we've moved from Mrs. Comfort to Mrs. Charity. Who's next -- Mrs. Goodwill?!

The nice thing is that all of the elements are here to make me feel comfortable that this is a legit deal -- you know, for instance: Mrs. Charity and I have never met, her last name is Charity, a "Russian firm" is involved, her last name at the end of the letter is different from her name at the beginning, she wants ALL of my contact info, and her grammar is really good. Oh and also? She calls me "Beloved."

Sign me up!

-----Original Message-----
From: Mrs Maria Charity
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 2010 4:34 PM
Subject: Funds Transfer

Dear Beloved.

Greetings in the name of God, May the blessings of God be upon you and grant you the wisdom to understand this situation and how much I need your help. I am suffering from a longtime illness which also affected my brain, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating, according to my doctors the illness is very bad. I know this message will sounds very strange to you, but I have no choice than to choose a stranger like you I have never seen before. what matters will be the trust. such is life some time in life things works in a way we never expected. If we can understand our self and work like one family. This money came as a resultof a payback contract deal between my husband and a Russian firm in our country. The Russian partners returned my husbands share. I will like to assure you that this transaction is 100% risk and trouble free to both parties. My name is Mrs. Maria. due to my complicated health issues. Based on this, I want to will my money ($US 10,300,000.00 million) to a faithful and God fearing person who would utilize it as I will instruct hence I contact you because, The funds will be used to assist charity organizations, the orphanage homes. You may be wondering why I chosen you. But someone has to be chosen. I will wait to hear from you if you can handle this task with honesty. God bless you. i want you to help me carry out the charity work to the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows in the World. I decided that 30% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon the success release of this fund. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don't want anything that will jeopardize my last wish.
God bless you and your family. Mrs. Maria Bejes

PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS, TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER ON YOUR REPLY FOR EASY AND IMMEDIATE COMMUNICATION WITH MY CONSULTANT.

Marching Band Reunion...?

2010-08-10T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, I just got this e-mail:

******

You're Invited!!

Catch up at the All-Year Marching Band Reunion!

It's a perfect opportunity to mingle, swap stories, and reconnect with friends from high school. Hope you can make it.

******

One leeeeeetle problem...

I was never *in* Marching Band....!

More SPAM For Friday: From: George Chol Garang Family with HIGH IMPORTANCE

2010-07-16T03:00:00.001-07:00

This one has a website, and supporting Wikipedia pages, and EVERYTHING!

From: George Chol Garang
Subject: From: George Chol Garang Family
Importance: High

Good Day,

I am writing you to solicit your co-operation in a multi million dollars investment.

My name are George Chol Garang , the eldest son of Late Dr. John Garang ,I am presently seeking political asylum here in Denmark for fear of my live .My late father John Garang was the leader of the Sudan People's Liberation Army that fought the Khartoum government of Sudan for 21 years until 09 July 2005 when he was made the first vice president of Sudan after the Kenyan peace accord.

Three weeks after (30 July 2005) he was killed when he was returning from Uganda on the Ugaandan presidential helicopter who is an ally to the Sudanese president Oman el Bashir during the civil war against the people of south Sudan. My late father was set up to believe all is well, My mother received a top secret information to find a way to smuggle me out of the country because the Khartoum Government is planning to kill me and my family.

Oil was discovered in southern Sudan in 1978, which erupted the civil war in 1983
Involving the government forces and the Sudanese People's Liberation Movement under the leadership of my late father during the war, the oil wells were control by Sudanese People's Liberation Army under the leadership of my late father.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to secure my father's fund deposited in Europe, my Late father's deposited Sixteen Million United States Dollars cash ($16,000.000.00) now in the custody the vault house of a Private Finance firm in Europe. Before my father's death, he told me about the deposit of the funds and he told me in case he dies I should find a way to get the funds out and my suffering people of Darfur and the Southern Sudanese should benefit from the funds and invest part of it into a profitable investment that will benefit my family and yours. I have all the documents concerning the deposit of this fund.

I am unable to stand on behalf of my late father because of my situation now as an asylum seeker and my status here Denmark as an asylum seeker do not permit me to make any move towards the fund. For your time and assistance, I have decided that 20% of the total amount will be for your effort and another 5 % to cover all the expenses that may occur during this business transaction and the rest, we both have to put our heads together and invest it into a profitable business.

Please do go through the website for more information.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Garang
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/4735725.stm
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/08/20050801-7.html
http://www.sudan.net/news/press/postedr/108.shtml

If you can assist my family, then kindly contact me immediately on the email below.
(georgecholgarang@yahoo.com.hk)

Best regards
yours truly,
George Chol Garang
Email: georgecholgarang@yahoo.com.hk

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old...and maybe hide your children and dogs from us

2010-07-12T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, part II of my Afternoon Nap Crazy Dream Adventure:

The dream started with us deciding that we needed 'more' friends who had both kids and dogs. (We, in the dream, did not have kids OR any friends with kids, so the 'more' part is funny... I have no idea why we felt we needed to make friends with kids. But I digress.)

So we decided that we would 'troll' (we are already sounding creepier and creepier....) for new friends with kids and dogs by striking up conversations with people as we walked the dogs, if we saw that they had both a stroller and some dogs.

I know...totally weird.

So anyway, put our 'plan' 'into action,' and met a couple who had twin boys. But when I went to look into the stroller so I could ooooh and ahhh over the babies, they were totally freaky-looking. One was a baby-sized man, and the other was just a really weird-looking baby. Nice.

Mr. Perfect was talking to the husband about their dogs, and the next thing I knew we were inside their house so that the mom could 'show me pictures' on her computer. So we were looking through her photos and came upon Robert-Palmer-style 'modeling photos' of her and her older daughter in sequin dresses, serious faces, the works.

Totally weird -- again.

Immediately after that I went to find Mr. Perfect so we could get the Hail outta Dodge, and I found him -- where else -- taking a nap in one of their babies' cribs. He had apparently moved that particular baby out of the crib and put him into the other crib with his brother, so that there was an empty crib for my husband to sleep in.

Of course.

I had gone into the babies' room alone to look for him -- also weird -- and was panicked that our 'new friends' would find my husband sleeping in their son's crib, so I shook Mr. Perfect to wake him up. He rolled over, in his sleep, and I saw that the whole crib was a pool of drool -- oceans and oceans of the stuff. Gross.

Then I was even more desperate to wake him up so I shook him again and he somehow rolled out of the crib and onto the floor underneath it. So I started punching him on the arm to wake him up, but he was so dead-asleep that it wasn't working, and then...

He touched me on the arm in real life to wake me up, and I had one of those dream moments where I was still shaking him to wake him up in the dream but I knew he couldn't be asleep on the floor in front of me and also touching me on the arm to wake me up...ah! So I opened my eyes and was VERY confused to see our actual, real-life bedroom, rather than the 'babies' room' at our 'new friends' house...for a second.

And then I was just really relieved that the whole thing was a dream.

SPAM: An e-mail from Mrs. Comfort

2010-07-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

Gosh, Mrs. Comfort. Doesn't she sound wonderful? Like Mrs. Butterworth or Aunt Jemima -- just like a perfect little grandma-lady, waiting to welcome you with a cup of tea and freshly-baked treats?!

Ha! It's more SPAM!

From: mrscomfort minor [mailto:mrscomfort_m@yahoo.com]

Subject: Good day from Mrs Comfort ,

Mrs. Comfort Minor,
Plot 316 Kaneshi Road Accra Ghana.
Home number:00233-277091470.
Private Email:mrscomfort_m01@yahoo.com

Dear Sir,

How are you today ? I hope that every things is ok with you,I would like to apply for your co-operation to secure opportunity to invest and do joint business with you and my family in your country.I have a substantial capital i honourably intend to invest in with you into a good lucrative business venture of which you are to advise,

Your able co-operation is to become my business partner and create ideas on how money will be invested, properly managed after the money is transferred to your account in your country.Please feel free to write me back or call me on +233 277 091 470,if am not around to pick your call please feel free and speak with my son David for futher clearification.

Mrs Comfort Minor and son David .

Hopefully she'll be there to "pick" my call....

Crazy Dreamin'

2010-07-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a little afternoon delight and a much-needed long-overdue nap will do to the brain.

Let me back up for a second. We woke up verrrry early this morning, after a loooong week with very little sleep, and a night of friends and wine. It was a bit hard to wake up, but also nice to be up and Getting! Things! Done!

Anyway, I ended up taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon, and woke up three hours later after two pretty bizarre dreams.

Here's the first:

I was looking at our house, and realized that "the signs on the front of the house" (there are none in reality) had been changing around quite a lot, none of which is our doing. We called the landlord about it, and the next day there are more new signs, but these talked about a house for sale, and also whose property it is and No Trespassing.

We discovered that there was a whole 'nother house in our backyard. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in. Also, the backyard was now surrounded by 12-foot-high dense hedges. And there WAS, in fact, a whole. other. house. back there.

At first glance, it looked like a normal house (sort of?), but then we realized that it's actually not all that big, is built completely INTO the hedges (i.e., the front wall of the house was visible, but the hedges completely surrounded the rest of the house), and was really a ramshackle collection of rooms all in a row, and not in very good shape.

There also appeared to be a basement or some sort of space that it's built on top of.

Cut to a scene where we, suspicious of the landlord's recent behavior with the 'property of' signs, etc., have broken into what turns out to be a storage area underneath the 'back house,' with, ummm....two of the characters from the USA show, Royal Pains. (For those of you who know the show, Eddie R. (aka Fonzie), and Evan R. Lawson.)

Eddie R. used a crowbar to pry off the top of a crate we found in the storage area, and it contained stacks and stacks of MONEY.

And then the landlord came in with his 'crew' - you know, like a white-collar gang of people who pull off scams and heists (a la the show "Leverage," minus the benevolent-Robin-Hood-esque angle). Of course.

So they came in with their guns, because they had figured out that we were suspicious and would be breaking into the back house. So they, you know, corralled us with their guns, and we were hatching an escape plan. There was fire involved, and .... then I woke up.

Wowie.

(The interesting part is that I was explaining the dream to Mr. Perfect and saying it out loud, I actually realized where a lot of the different elements came from - but it's SO interesting to me how they are represented in dreams. Fascinating stuff!)

SPAM: The one where they apologize for e-mailing you in the first place!

2010-05-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

Here's another tasty treat to start your weekend off right. This one is a favorite -- the best part is at the end!

(No subject on this one...)
Message: How are you?
Tell you a good news, my friend found a good site, they are mainly electronic products, low prices, you may need. Such cameras, mobile phones, PS3 game consoles, LCD

TVs, notebook computers, iPhone, motorcycle car is the most popular thing, their project is entirely consistent with the original quality, but if you want to
To this end, the wholesale busines, please do not hesitate to contact them.
Their website: zpbai.com

Online Customer Service Hours: 20:00 - 6:00, 7 days a week, Beijing, China (District: Monday 8 hours)

I hope you will enjoy more preferential

Please forgive my e-mail,

very sorry.

********************

(My favorite part[s] are here at the end. They negate the whole thing by apologizing for the e-mail. Twice!)

SPAM: Help Me Help You (But You Need to Give Me Money First)

2010-05-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a good one -- the classic 'I need your money to spring my money from the bank' scheme! I love the 'wrong' use of English...and the 'legal disclaimer' at the end. Oooh, it's legit!
*****************
Subject: Seeking Good Consolation. (Draaaaaamarama!)

Dear Friend

It is my honour and with a heart deep of humiliation seeking good consolation in writing to you, I am Anusa Hirunpatravong From Thailand the Personal Assistant, to Mr. Suriya Jungrungreangkit Former Thailand Transport Minister during Thaksin Shinawatra regime which was ousted by a military coup on Sept 19 2006 and Martial law was imposed by the Council for Democratic Reform, now called the Council for National
Security after the Sept 19 coup.Can read more on this link:
http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/local/33396/some-assets-certain-to-be-confiscated

I would have prefer talking to you on phone , the new government is taping the past government officials phone numbers, so it's no longer safe for me to call you, I think it's safe to express my opinion by mail. we ?are placed under surveillance . However my main point of contacting you is to seek your sincere suggestion and guideline to invest in your country because we are humiliated and keep under probe because of my previous position in the government, I do not need to tell you the absolute confidentiality both parties must observe for investment, or rather if you have interest in the transaction reply to my mail.

The amount involved is the sum of USD9,300,000.00 [NINE MILLION AND THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS] I will provide to you evidence to understand my position with the government now.

I will give you all the legitimate information concerning the fund and details about me on hearing from you and will achieve a lot of benefit as you assist me in this regard to secure the fund.

Please do not disclose any part of this message to the third party, if you are not interested in giving this profitable assistance. You can contact me by email anuhirun1@gmail.com.

Best Regards.
Anusa Hirunpatravong.

This e-mail message is for the sole use of the intended
recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged
information. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or
distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient,
please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of
the original message.

Oh. YOU.

2010-05-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, my last contact with Monster-in-Law was back at Christmas when she reamed me for Mr. Perfect being sick.

So, you know, we're besties and stuff.

:)

In the months since, I've heard through the grapevine that another relative has told other people (including Mr. Perfect) that they got really mad at Monstro about how she treated me, and that it was not to happen again.

That's all fine and dandy, except for the small detail that no one has actually said one word to moi about it. Nada.

Whatevs. I didn't expect that they would...I just have to keep training myself to deal with this bunch of whack jobs. I mean dearly-beloved family. Ooopsies.

Anyway, I was ~~nail-bitingly apprehensive~~ a little nervous before the family Easter gathering -- just no telling what will happen with this bunch -- but decided to put on my big-girl pants and deal with it.

I plastered a big smile on my face, faked my warmest, most enthusiastic voice, and in we went. Who was the second person we encountered? You guessed it. Monster in all her glory.

She proceeded to give Mr. a BIG hug and oh, she was "SO" happy to see him. And then she saw me. Her smile turned to ice and fell off her face... you could hear it shattering into a million pieces as it hit the floor. "Oh." ...the "it's you" was implied.

No hug.

No nothing, really.

Didn't look at me. Wouldn't sit in the empty seat next to me at dinner, which was next to her husband. Didn't talk to me. Basically didn't acknowledge my presence. Which is fine. At least we're all behaving like mature adults, and I know the score.

Ha.

Haha.

And when we passed out the gifts that I'd had all wrapped and ready at Christmas when Mr. Perfect got sick? She declined to acknowledge hers. Didn't even raise her hand to take it from me...so I just left it on the nearest flat surface, gave her a big smile, and got the h*ll outta Dodge. (Mr. Perfect was actually really cute and passed out most of the other ones, but he wanted hers to come from me to see if that would make any difference..... We tried.)

Good times.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Lovely Spam: A New Tradition

2010-05-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

A brief note from the management on my unplanned, extended blogging hiatus: I was not planning to take a break... and then I was not planning to let the gap in posting go on for very long...and then, you know, I hadn't seen my in-laws in a few months so there was a derth of material. Just kiddin'.... Basically, life got busy, people got sick, throw in a little of this and a little of that as I was tap-dancing along on the crazy conveyor belt of life, and before I knew it here we are 17 months later and I'm finally back! I'm baaaaaaaaa-aaaaaack. And as such, to borrow my new favorite line from Sarah over at ALME: "Hold on to your asses, people."

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming:

I get TONS of 'spam' e-mails at work, so I decided I'd share the more hilarious ones with y'all.

And so begins a new tradition here on the Sitcom set: a weekly serving of SPAM! :)

First up on the spam smorgasbord, we have this little gem:

Subject: Crying for help (a little dramatic, don't you think?!)

Message: My name is Miss Suzanne zita Robert, I ‘m quite aware that my message will come to you as a surprise because it is indeed very strange for someone you have not met before to contact you in this regard, looking for a trustworthy, sincere and honest someone like you who can help me in this time of needs. (Gosh, Suzanne...you're right. It IS very strange... :) )
Before the death of my father on 20th June 2009 in a private hospital here in Abidjan , he secretly called me at his bedside, when I sat down to listen to him, he started crying, why? (1) He complained that I am too young to be managing my life with no one to take care of me,(2)That I have not finished my university education as he planned for me, he revealed to me that he has a sum of US$6,500.000.(Six MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) he left in bank here , He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his wicked brothers and associates , that l should seek for a GOD fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice where l will transfer this money and use it for proper investment purpose ,that I must finish my university education by the help of a business partner/guardian abroad, that he or she should help me obtain a resident permit in his or her country, that he used my name as the only child
for his next of kin in deposit of the funds,. Right now I am still here in my country but very unsafe for me. I'm living in great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible, But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he died. I have the depositing certificates with which he made the deposit in the bank; I know it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before. By instinct I am convinced you are an honest person and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me. As soon as it is done, I will come over with to meet you and spend the rest of my live in your country. I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose. I promise to greatly compensate you with 15% for any assistance you may offer me. I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential. Down here, I am living in fear because
enemies, uncles and wicked relatives of my parents are hunting for us. Please let me know your mind concerning my proposal to you, May God bless you as you as you extend your helping hand to an orphan (I believe the children are our future....)
Regards
Suzy
****************
Hope you found this first foray into the lovely world of SPAM! as delicious as I did. Tune in next week to see what sort of jewel the wild world of e-mail has served up for your enjoyment!

Nothing Like a Little Family Drama to Get the Blood Going

2010-01-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

So, Mr. Perfect and I unwittingly booked ourselves for several straight days of [mostly]family festivities over Christmas. Not sure how we did this, but it wasn't until we arrived in OLD STATE that we realized what a marathon we'd created for ourselves. Whew!

It meant lots of time with good friends and family, so it was all good....except for the part where constantly running from event to event can sometimes leave you feeling a bit run-down, or worse...sick!

Which is exactly what happened to Mr. Perfect when he woke up on the last day of our Griswold Family Christmas Tour.

We hemmed and hawwed and debated the merits of him "pushing through it" to attend the last function on our dance card...even as I watched him wilt before my very eyes as the illness took hold. We hated to miss the event, but were hesitant to "spread the ~~germs~~ love" given that the guest list included some very elderly and very infant attendees.

This was not a decision to be made lightly (given the particular family group we were dealing with.) Ultimately (after I saw Mr. Perfect wince in pain one too many times) we felt we could not, in good conscience, attend.

So I placed a call to Monster-in-Law with the bad news.

To set the scene, let me give you a little glimpse into my mindset as I dialed: worried about my husband being sick, was he going to get worse? what did he actually have? was I going to get it? had he exposed the elderly people we'd seen the day before?! would he be too sick to travel home? bummed that he didn't feel good, sad that we were going to miss seeing ~~some of~~ these relatives, anticipating their disappointment, etc.

So, you know, a couple of things on my mind.

And, even knowing who I was dealing with, I was still completely unprepared for how the conversation went down.

Monster-in-Law: Hi, Mrs. Sitcom.
Mrs. Sitcom: Hi, Monster-in-Law, how are you?
MIL: Fine, fine, how are you?
MS: Well, I'm ok. I actually have some bad news. Mr. Perfect woke up sick and I don't think we are going to make it today.
MIL: Oh, no... (and here I thought, Oh, she's being sympathetic and understanding. Not quite. Hold on to your hats.)...YOU HAVE TO COME. WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER (it had been one month. ONE.) and you CAN'T JUST BACK OUT, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE'S SICK. EVERYONE IS SICK. WE ARE ALL SICK --
MS: You are ALL sick??? (...because now I really don't want us to go!!!...)
MIL: YES!! I have the flu and Relative X has a horrible cold and WE ARE ALL SICK.
WE ARE ALL SICK AND YOU DON'T SEE US CANCELING THE PARTY OR SAYING WE AREN'T COMING. YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH THROUGH IT, YOU CAN'T JUST LIE DOWN AND GIVE IN.
MS: Oh. We didn't realize you were all sick. We were worried about exposing THE ELDERLY and THE INFANTS. (Wouldn't a normal person see that as us being considerate, or am I way off base?!?)
MIL: YOU'RE NOT EXPOSING ANYBODY. HE'S NOT SO SICK HE CAN'T GET OUT OF BED, IS HE?!?!?!?
MS: Actually, I just made him go back to bed. (He ended up sleeping for the rest of the day.....not sick, eh?!)
MIL: Ohh, WELL, fine...ok.

The end. (Side note: this is just the latest incident in a long history of this type of behavior -- and often/usually much worse.)

Awesome, yes?! Definitely exactly what I wanted to deal with right then. Note the conspicuous absence of any concern on her part about Mr. Perfect not feeling well, his health, any of the usual things you might think when you hear that someone you ~~supposedly~~ love and care about so much (as they always tell us) is ill. Not a single caring word. Not one.

I wanted to say "Are you freaking kidding me?!" Next time, maybe I will :) [insert evil laugh here.]

So, I'm curious to hear your takes on this situation!! And, any tips on how to keep this stuff from getting under my skin would be VERY much appreciated...since it's obviously never going to change.

That's all for today. Debbie Downer out. :)

Spreading the Christmas Cheer (a little belated)

2010-01-07T03:00:00.000-08:00

So, I had grand plans to post this before Christmas...which obviously didn't happen. But, far be it from me to deprive you of a wacky story, so here you go. :)

*******************************************

A few years ago, I worked for a small company with what I thought initially was a great, funny, flexible, understanding, energetic, easy-to-talk-to, friendly boss.

Things rapidly deteriorated, with Boss's behavior becoming erratic, unreasonable, and borderline-abusive to all employees.

Once it became apparent that things were not only not going to get better but continuing to get worse, I gave my two weeks' notice and high-tailed it out of there.

I had not anticipated that Boss would try to withhold my last paycheck, but that's what happened. When, almost two months after my last day I finally got Boss on the phone to demand payment, Boss launched into a tirade about why the check had been held back.

The final item on Boss's long list of "reasons" why I shouldn't be paid?

"You didn't even call to to wish me a Merry Christmas!"

Counting Sheep....

2010-01-06T12:18:00.001-08:00

So, back to The Land of Freaky Dreams. (are there any other kind, really?!)

A couple of nights ago, we watched an episode of Bones before ~~I passed out on the couch in my flannel pajama pants~~ [~~probably drooling]~~ retiring genteelly to the boudoir in our matching monogrammed silk pajamas.

ANYway...this particular episode of Bones at one point featured the female doctor running from a crazed doctor trying to cut her up with a scalpel.

Sweet dreams, beyotches!

:)

So at some point in the middle of the night, as I lay there ~~fighting the dogs and Mr. Perfect for space, covers, warmth, world peace...you name it~~ blissfully in my monogrammed silk pajamas, I had the following dream:

It was night.

I was in a house.

The outside looked like a friend's old house, and the inside looked like an uber-hip hotel room complete with funky neon furniture and a daytime view of Manhattan (clever, since the dream did not take place in NYC...oh, and the pesky it was at night thing.)

The house was being robbed and I was following the robbers from room to room, watching all of the stuff be taken but could not do a damn thing about it. Also, the robbers may or may not have been aware of me frantically watching them take all of the stuff out of this Craftsman-neon hotel-tonight-at-noon house.

Eventually the robbery stopped (they were done? got everything they needed? Who knows!), and I was crouched outside the master bedroom of the house with someone else -- a man, but I don't know who (I think I trusted him...?).

The man I was crouched with was telling me to be impossibly still and quiet, lest we wake the sleeping man whose bedroom we were crouched outside.

Apparently the man inside had a scalpel on his bedside table and would slash us with it, lest we wake him up. (????...!)

I could see the scalpel on the dresser inside the house, even though I was still crouched in the bushes and had not moved. (Ahhh, the impossibility of dreams.)

I was frantically trying to figure a way out of this impossible situation, when I and my crouching buddy heard the man inside the house snoring ridiculously loudly. I mean, CRAZY-loud snoring. This went on for a bit as we tried to escape, and then...

One of the dogs kicked me, I woke up, and realized MR. PERFECT was snoring, CRAZY-loud.

His snoring had been incorporated into my dream.

CRAZY-loud, I'm telling you!

Sweet dreams.....

Maybe Next Time, I'll Start the Washer

2009-11-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

This morning started out, I thought, fabulously. Other than needing more sleep, I had more than enough time to throw together some eggs-and-toast for us (because we are out of cereal...), get ready, feed/water the dogs, and be at work at a reasonable time.

I had this blissful thought for about, oh, 3 seconds.

Because Dog II immediately unleashed an amount of pee on the carpet the likes of which would have made Waterworld blush.

A good, solid two minutes of peeing on the carpet.

GOOD. Morning.

I gotta hand it to him...he was cowering a bit even during the unfortunate Unleashing of the Pee ceremony. So much for my plan of us gazing at each other over our coffee cups. Ha!

Mr. Perfect was roused from his ~~comatose state~~ deep slumber by my yelling, and to his credit he sprang into action fairly quickly, taking over on the feeding/water while I attempted to ~~put my finger in the dyke~~ stem the Great Flood of '09.

With towels. The towels we usually use to dry off the dogs. Not my first choice, but they were the closest absorbent thing I could grab.

So I mopped up the pee and threw the towels into the washer. Without starting it. So they were just in there, damp, waiting to be washed.

I started on breakfast, not quiet as leisurely as I had originally hoped, but -- a girl's gotta eat!

As I minister to the eggs and toast, Mr. Perfect yells "Do we have any towels for the dogs?"

"Yeah, but they're in the washer...you can get some more from the closet," and go back to my eggs.

A few minutes later breakfast is ready, we're standing in the kitchen, and Mr. Perfect rather sheepishly asks "So, ah, those towels in the washer...did you use those to clean up the mess this morning?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I, ah, thought they were just in the washer from last time we dried the dogs off...and I used them to dry off the dogs this morning."

I'll give you a minute to let that soak in.

Apparently he didn't hear the part about the towels and the closet.

Yes, that's correct...he had just spent the last 10 minutes or so rubbing pee-soaked towels ALL. OVER. THE. DOGS.

Did I mention I love my life?! :)

If You Can't Beat 'em...Gas'em!

2009-11-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, we had an unsettling encounter with a solicitor at our door later-ish in the evening (more on that another time), and I was ~~jumpy beyond belief~~ a little unnerved.

When we went to sleep, we tumbled into bed in the usual pile of dogs and humans huddling together for warmth.

And then something weird happened. Dog II hopped off the bed -- which he NEVER does -- sat at attention on his dog bed, and started growl the way dogs do when something is truly amiss and they're protecting you. You know, the extremely low, really threatening, I'm-not-screwing-around-get-away-from-here-before-I-rip-your-throat-out kind of growl.

Odd.

This went on for many minutes...long enough that it was ~~OK for me to freak out~~ tough to ignore.

I was on edge, Mr. Perfect was on alert, both trying not to over-react, but listening very intently for even the faintest hint of a strange noise. And then Dog II very deliberately walked to our closed bedroom door, looked at it intently, and continued growling.

Awesome.

Eyes wide in the dark, we lay in bed, neither of us moving a muscle, straining to hear something, anything, that would tell us to a) GRAB THE PHONE AND CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING, or b) there is a cat outside three blocks away and the dog is being ridiculous. And, you know, really hoping for b.

That's the great thing about dogs -- they are excellent protectors; they'll alert you to danger, oftentimes before you are even aware that you should be aware; and they're just generally great to have around the house. On the other hand, sometimes they 'hear something' and scare the bejeezus out of you for no reason.

So there we are, two frozen figures, getting more and more anxious (perhaps I should speak for myself here -- OK, *I* was getting more and more tense), when Mr. Perfect goes "WHAT. Was thaaat?!?!?" It was his tone that got me -- not freaked out, very tenuous, completely serious, genuinely concerned, and more than a little wary.

My whole body tensed. "OHMYGOD! I KNEW IT! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" I lay there, paralyzed, "WHAT? WHAT WAS WHAT? WHAT? Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat!!"

He paused for ~~10 years~~ a second.

"Oh, I think one of the dogs farted."

Happy Halloween, B*#@$%s!

2009-10-30T09:28:00.001-07:00

A few years ago I was handing out candy at my parents' house before heading out to a Halloween party. It was so much fun to see all of the little neighborhood kids in their adorable costumes -- bunnies and fairies and clowns, princesses and lady bugs, firefighters and policemen...just general cuteness.

And then I opened the door to the PTA President's kids.

Their costumes were all easily-identifiable -- army man, mad scientist, etc. All except for one, who was about 10 (if that). He was wearing a green velvet shirt, white pants, a gold chain with medallion a la Flava Flav, leopard scarf...and a pink, fuzzy hat like you might see in the cheap section of the Kentucky Derby.

What the ???

I felt bad because I had NO idea what he was, so I said "Oh, and tell me about your costume!"

He looked at me like "Oh, this poor out-of-touch old person," and said very matter-of-factly, "I'm a pimp!"

Of course! My mistake.

Seriously?

No, SERIOUSLY?!?!

As if the costume isn't bad enough on its own...his mom is the freakin' PTA PRESIDENT?! Nice.

(And, let's not even get into imagining if he had any idea what a pimp actually WAS, or how THAT conversation went.)

Happy Halloween, b*&$@%s!

Not Me! Girls' Night Edition

2009-10-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

So, you know those 'Not Me Monday' posts? Well, I'm declaring it 'Not Me Wednesday'...because this story is too ~~embarrassing~~ good to wait until Monday.

So here goes:

I did not race home from work yesterday to feed the dogs, take them out, and get some stuff done in the couple of hours I had before meeting some friends for drinks. Not me!

I did not think to myself, "I can't wait to see the girls, and I'm really excited about going to RESTAURANT, but I'm really tired and wish it was tomorrow night." Not me!

I did not get dressed, freshen my hair and makeup, and arrive at the restaurant fifteen minutes EARLY. Not me!

I did not sit at the table, by myself, playing with my iPhone, not touching the bread and delicious-looking, vinegary-smelling dipping sauce the waiter brought, sipping only water and telling him I was going to 'wait for my friends' before ordering a drink, for a HALF AN HOUR. Not me!

I did not begin to suspect something was amiss, and then re-read the texts to discover we were supposed to meet TONIGHT...and not last night. Not me!

And, last but not least...I did not stand up from the table and leave the restaurant without talking to the waiter because I ~~was so embarrassed~~ ~~felt like a complete fool~~ couldn't see him.

Not me!

Name Change Dramarama

2009-10-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have a business trip scheduled in a few months. I had to look at the plane ticket this week for some reason, and noticed something odd.

Instead of being booked in my name, it was booked for someone with the first name of my FIRSTNAMEMIDDLEINITIAL, and the last name of my MAIDENNAMEMARRIEDNAME.

So basically, someone entered my information into the travel profile as a first name that looks like a spelling error along with a last name that is complete gibberish, and thought to themselves "Job well done!"

Excellent.

My overall name-change has been pretty painless, so I wasn't too worried about it when I called the travel agent.

I should have been.

The agent was very helpful, offering to call the airline to change the name on the ticket.

And then she called right back to say there was 'no way to change the name on the ticket, and we have to cancel the ticket and re-issue it but it's non-refundable so there will be a fee yadda yadda yadda..."

Ultimately, she waved her travel agent magic wand and everything is sorted out.

I'm just glad I caught it now, before I was at the airport trying to board a plane as Miss FIRSTNAMEMIDDLEINITIAL MAIDENNAMEMARRIEDNAME. That would have been exciting!

Update: Heeeeere we go again. Just got an e-mail from the travel people with the 'good' news that they've updated my profile... to read FIRST NAME, MIDDLENAMEMAIDENNAME, and MARRIED NAME. So, once again, a portion of my name looks like complete gibberish. Truly, I do not understand WHY this is so hard. (AND, why nobody would look at the middle portion of the name and think that it looked just a bit odd...!) I sent them an e-mail detailing what my new name is, and which name should go where, and how it should look. This is not ROCKET SCIENCE, people. Let's see if we can get it straight on the second go-round!

They Grow Up So Fast....

2009-10-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

So I was feeding the dogs today and realized that given Dog II's age, we need to start introducing the adult food, and before long we won't need to buy puppy food anymore.

And dammit if there wasn't the teensiest, weensiest catch in my throat as I filled their bowls.

That's right. I got teary-eyed about the dog 'growing up.'

Every cliche thing people say about kids ran through my head -- 'thought we'd never get here,' 'it went by so fast,' 'all those sleepless nights....'

Before we know it, he'll be scooping his own kibble, and hanging out with his little doggie gang on the corner. (Somebody bring in the fainting couch, we've got a swooner!)

Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.

I'm a total raving lunatic.

While I knew the whole thing was totally absurd, this was my first 'real' brush with the world of 'parenting,' and just the tiniest, faintest whisper of what parents probably feel as their kids grow up -- excited but a little sad. I'm pretty happy that we'll only need to buy one kind of dog food instead of two, but at the same time wishing that the puppy stage (the good, sweet part -- not the eating-the-furniture part) wasn't being left behind at such a rapid clip.

At least one thing is for sure.

There's a chance I'm going to be a complete basket-case when our kids go off to ~~kindergarten~~ college.

Or maybe I'll do the kids a favor and get it all out with the dogs...we'll see!

Another Day, Another Giveaway: Halloween Nail Polish!

2009-10-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hi, lovelies! I just stumbled across this cool giveaway over at Manicure Mommas -- three HALLOWEEN NAIL POLISHES from OPI. OPI makes really good-quality polish (hence, why you see it in most salons!)

Two of them glow in the dark...spooky!

What a great way to add a little Halloween spirit to your get-up, even if you're not dressing up!

Giveaway!!

2009-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

SUPER-cute giveaway over at Clemsongirl and the Coach....

Awesome, awesome stuff -- napkins, dog bandanas, key fobs, baby bibs...you name it, it's there...in fabulously adorable fabric.

Check out the giveaway here. And the Little Birds Boutique here.

Good luck! ~~(Not really. I'm going to win.)~~

:)

Obviously, I Love Me Some Crazy

2009-10-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

The crazy train just keeps on rolling ~~through my head at night~~.

Last night's ~~installment of insanity~~ crazy dream: I was caring for a friend's dog, a smallish creature of indiscriminate breed, and all of a sudden I realized that it was almost dead. Also, it felt like it was made of paper or something dry and thin (papery?!) It was right on the brink; there was a small chance I could save it, but I had to act QUICKLY! So I put it on the page of a magazine, dragged it across the linoleum floor (we were in someone's home, but no idea whose), and submerged it in the water bowl.

Because clearly that's how you save a dog on the brink.

P.S. It worked. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not real...why are you looking at me like that?!

:)

Dream a Little Dream...

2009-10-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

...of Laird Hamilton and Gabrielle Reece and being in a motel room in a Spanish-speaking country with a college roommate I haven't seen in years and two natives of whatever country we were in and Laird and Gabrielle and their three small kids and the rest of us all staying in one motel room with five beds -- two of which we didn't even use -- but no bathroom, and a wall of windows (or just nothing...I'm not sure) out onto a balcony full of more men native to whatever country we were in, who were hitting on me until we all realized that my legs were as hairy as the day is long.

What the?!?!

That was my dream last night.

No idea.

You're welcome.

Guest Blog! at Muffy Martini's Place

2009-10-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Today is my very first experience guest-blogging, for none other than the inimitable Muffy Martini while she is on her honeymoon with her dashing new husband, Skipp!

Head over and check out my post -- it's filled with my tips and tricks for finding a balance between the responsibilities of daily life (cooking and cleaning and laundry!, oh my!) and quality time for you and your sweetheart.

It was lots of fun to guest-blog for Muffy, and I'd love to hear your tips for staying balanced - do tell!

Everyone Loves a Good Buttinsky

2009-10-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

After Mr. Perfect and I got engaged, we tossed around a couple of wedding dates -- one that would have been reeeeeally soon, the other a little farther off. Of course we wanted to get married sooner rather than later, but ultimately it made a lot more sense to go with the later date -- and it wasn't all that much later, anyway.

Shortly after we picked the later date, I was at my parents' house when in walked Sister and Sugar Lips (the now-husband, then-boyfriend.)

Somehow the wedding date came up, and Sister said "I thought you were getting married on SOONER DATE!"

I told her we had all talked it over and it just wasn't going to happen by then. There were many reasons why, but I just told her that it made more sense to go with the later date and we were enjoying being engaged.

She started to get upset -- I was totally baffled why -- and then Sugar Lips jumped in angrily with "The engagement is NOT a time to be enjoyed. You need to get married right away, as soon as possible."

[Now, one might think from his statement that I was pregnant. That's the only thing that would have made sense to me. I was most definitely not pregnant...not even a little! heehee]

For a second I thought they were kidding. They were not.

I was floored. Call me crazy, but I had thought this was a personal decision between Mr. Perfect and I. Clearly not -- silly me!

Not only did this a) have nothing to do with him, b) was none of his business and b) I hadn't asked for his opinion (see a) above), he was not part of the family.

He was a boyfriend. For all intents and purposes, he had just "arrived" on the scene, in the grand scheme of things that is the family dynamic. To my way of thinking, that means he stays out of serious family matters unless someone asks him, or he's been a boyfriend for a long, long, loooong time.

Boyfriends and girlfriends are not supposed to stir the pot, let alone chastise their beloved's family member. It's unwelcome, unnecessary, and doesn't do them any favors.

Mr. Perfect has been around a lot longer than Sugar Lips, and even he doesn't just volunteer his opinion. I'm the same way with his family.

Don't you want to make the best impression possible on your girlfriend's family, rather than being the guy who got mad at her sister ~~for something completely ridiculous, no less~~?!

Looking back, I wish I had given him what-for, but I was trying to ~~figure out who the hell he thought he was~~ be polite. If I could do it all over again, I'd probably tell them we'd decided to move the wedding date out five years, just to see their faces. ~~Because I'm bitchy like that.~~

[Edited to add: And besides all of the obvious, above, I have ZERO idea what they were talking about. Totally bizarre.]

Since then, there have been a few more times when he should have known to keep his mouth shut but neglected to do so...it seems that's how he is.

The difference is, when it happens again, the gloves are off.

I won't hesitate to call him out on it. You know, in a really classy, dignified kind of way, of course. :)

*************************************
What do you think? Does boyfriend/girlfriend status give someone automatic free reign to give their opinion on family matters? They duct tape their mouth shut immediately upon entering the family home? Somewhere in between? Do tell!

BORROWED POST: Noreply@blogger

2009-09-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am reposting Kelsey's post today over on The Seattle Smith's -- I've gotten this question, AND have experienced the NOREPLY issue, so I'm going to re-post in the hopes we can all jump on the bandwagon. Many thanks to Kelsey in advance for writing this all out!!! (also, Sarah, I'm hoping this clears up the question you e-mailed me a while back that I have not replied to...I haven't forgotten!).

Here's her post:

Alright ladies .... I can no longer message each and every one of you on your blog to help change a setting on your profile. So, I am hoping this mass post helps!

I love each and every single one of the comments I get, and I would be lying if I didn't say they often make my day that much better. I get super excited when I see the flashing red light on my Blackberry in hopes it is a notification for my blog. BUT, more importantly, I like to be able to respond to the comment notification by clicking reply and have it sent automatically to your email address. Often when I click reply, it says noreply@blogger.com instead of your email address.

**So, will everyone check their settings since about 50% of the people who comment need to make one quick adjustment to make the process possible!?! I will beg if I have to :)

Here is how to change it:

1. Click on the Customize link in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

2. Click on the Dashboard link in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

3. Click Edit Profile, which in on the left hand side of the screen next to your profile picture.

4. This will take you to the Edit User Profile screen.

5. Look in the Privacy section.

6. Click on the box that says, "Show my email address."

7. In the Identity section, enter in an email address.

8. Scroll down to the bottom of the screen and click on Save Profile.

This quick change to your settings will be really helpful when someone asks me a question through a comment or when I want to reply in general.

Sweet Simplicity was brilliant to post about this here, and I have found it so helpful!

That is all for now ..... thank you thank you!!! I am sure your other blogging friends will appreciate it too.

==============================
Head over and check out her adorable blog!

The Nicest. Man. Ever.

2009-09-25T09:56:00.001-07:00

Happy Friday, everyone! I have to share this story with you. For the record, I am not trying to brag, so I hope it doesn't come across that way -- it's just too awesome (and sitcom-esque!) not to share with y'all.

After work yesterday, I went home, fed the dogs, and then ran a few errands before Mr. Perfect got home.

At my second stop, I was one of two customers in the store -- the other was a man about my ago or a bit older, shopping with his adorable little boy. I grabbed what I needed and passed him as I headed to the counter. I smiled and continued on my way.

He left the store before I did. All in all a very ordinary non-encounter.

Until I got out to my car.

I was in the driver's seat, about to pull my door closed, when I heard "Ma'am?"

For a second I thought I was hallucinating, but then I glanced back and he was in his car right behind my car (that sounds sort of threatening -- it wasn't.)

He leaned out of his window and said "I'm sorry to bother you, I just had to tell you that I moved here two years ago and you are the prettiest girl I have seen since I got here."

Wow.

I was floored. (And, I thought "hmmm, he obviously hasn't seen my friends!!!") He totally made my ~~year~~ day!

I thanked him (!!!), told him how nice that was, and asked where he had moved from. Turns out we are both from OLD STATE, which was funny. I thanked him again and he high-tailed it out of there. I sort of floated :)

I called Mr. Perfect immediately and told him what had happened -- he thought it was pretty hilarious.

So that was that, right?

Of course not!

I headed to my next stop, and who should I see there but my not-so-secret admirer! Just another day on the Sitcom set :)

He definitely had not followed me there -- it was purely a coincidence -- but it added to the surreality of the whole thing.

So that's my Awesome Thursday story. I plan to ~~celebrate being so smokin' hot~~ bask in it for a while :) Share your stories of something that made your day/week/year!

Have a great weekend :)

We'll Be Friends After This, Right?! RIGHT?!!! You PROMISE?!

2009-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Twice in my life, I have had the extremely uncomfortable, awkward experience of having an acquaintaince/new friend (i.e. someone in the 'getting to know each other' phase of friendship...still new, but heading towards friends) ask me "We're going to be friends, right? Promise?!"

Now, let's stop and consider this statement for a minute. Or better yet, the delivery of this statement. And the fact that they expected me to respond to it.

The first time it happened, I thought "That was weird, but whatever." The second time, I thought, "Oh, come on -- not again!"

Here's the thing: I would NEVER answer that question negatively, even if there was no way in HAIL that I was going to be friends with the person later on. I ~~don't have the balls~~ am just too nice (which may be how I found myself in this position with these ~~weirdos~~ people in the first place!)

Because who is going to tell someone, to their face, that you don't want to be friends with them?!

At the time they asked me, I liked both of them. While flattering (I think???), the question was a little bizarre.

I tried to understand the feelings behind the question, and the need to ask it. They came across as desperate, needy, insecure, clingy -- and reeeally lacking in social graces.

In my experience, you can't force a friendship. If someone likes you, you will call each other, hang out, develop a bond, etc. But it will happen naturally -- no pacts necessary. I've never been friends with someone where we had to have 'the talk,' or acknowledge that we were 'officially' friends. That type of drama is best saved for the romance department! :)

Ultimately, not long after they asked the question, there was a very strange situation with one of them and the other one started to show their ~~incredibly overbearing and domineering~~ true colors. That's not to say I dropped them like hot potatoes, but simply over time decided we weren't the best fit.

Coincidence? I am now inclined to think not.

It can be really awkward to 'ease out' of a friendship, but the fact that they'd asked me this ridiculous question made me feel even weirder, like I was breaking a promise or something. I felt like a huge bitch, when in fact I was simply choosing to spend my precious little free time with people I care about and enjoy spending time with. Life is too short to 'waste' on people who are not a positive addition to your life (with the exception of family, people who need help, etc. of course -- I'm talking about people who are just 'toxic' in general for one reason or another.)

So how about you? Have you ever felt the need to confirm that someone wanted to be friends? Have you ever asked someone the 'friends' question? Has someone asked YOU the question? How did it work out?

Beauty School Drop-out

2009-09-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

Mr. Perfect and I went on a date night last night, just because.

We dressed up, and went to a cool, funky little restaurant by our house that we always say we should go to but never do. So we did!

We sat down at our tiny table for two, and after glancing at the menu I reached across the table and put my freshly-French-manicured hands on top of Mr. Perfect's hands.

He looked down, and said "Oh, you got your nails done!"

I had. Ten points to him for noticing!

"I did! Don't they look great?"

He had a confused look on his face. "Yeah! They really do. But I thought you said you didn't want to do that."

"Do what?"

"This. I thought you said it was really hard to maintain."

"Oh. No? Well, it will chip off, but that's it -- it just comes off...?"

...Not long before this, we had talked about a friend who has 'fake nails' and and how I didn't want to get them because of the upkeep and cost and how it can wreck your nails and such....

I finally realized he thought I had gotten acrylics. (FYI, he described them as "you know, the, ah, the things [FRIEND] has..." and I had to interpret.)

Maybe we'll put that dream of him opening a salon [kidding!] on the back burner for now.

:)

Success! ...I Think?

2009-09-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, a project I was working on was 'reassigned' to someone else because something more critical/imminent came up for me.

I was confused and disappointed because the original was something I wanted to do and am good at, the person it was reassigned to never works on those projects, and the reassignment was unnecessary as the new project was not going to take as much time as other people thought. (Truly, it was a few minutes' work.) And, I'll be honest, the idea of someone else taking credit for my work wasn't sitting too well, either.

I decided I would get the new project done, then simply return to the old project and complete that too. It worked out perfectly, because the person it was re-assigned to couldn't get to it until today anyway...which didn't make sense because it had been presented as critical, also.

New Project done, I resumed working on Original Project, only to have that cause a minor fuss with the person who had done the original reshuffling.

I held my ground, explained that the New Project had only taken a few minutes which enabled me to return to Original Project and complete it by the end of yesterday, meaning we had more time to fine-tune it, etc. All in all a win for everyone, to my way of thinking. I also didn't want to just it that slide, and have that type of behavior become routine around here...!

I think some people were still a little up in arms that I had 'reclaimed' Original Project, but I stayed focused and got it done.

This morning, the person who had engineered the 'reassigning' said "Hey, I thought you did a really good job on that Original Project."

So I count that as a win...maybe?!

I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. :)

===========================
Head over to Misadventures of a Newlywed and check out her AWESOME Pacific Giveaway -- a Blood Orange-scented set!!

Welcome to the Neighborhood...Sucker!

2009-09-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've been meaning to share this story with you and just haven't had time...but in light of the Captain Creepy incident, I'm making time!

A couple of months ago, Mr. Perfect and I had to be out of town for a few days. This meant that Dog and Dog II had the run of the house. Which means only one thing: PARTY TIME! They'd invite all of their doggie friends over for a kegger, we'd come home to a trashed house, dogs passed out on the lawn, beer cans everywhere...you know the drill.

I kid, I kid....

But it did mean we had to make arrangements for them in some form or another. Endless phone calls, sleepless nights, crying jags, and RIDICULOUS amounts of drama later (another story for another time), I thought we had a pretty good plan in place.

It was not to be.

Not two days after we returned from our trip, I got a VERY STERN voicemail from our landlord that she had received YET ANOTHER complaint about our ~~unruly beasts~~ sweet angels barking and causing a ruckus and 'disturbing the peace' and that we would 'HAVE TO TAKE STEPS TO MITIGATE THIS PROBLEM IMMEDIATELY' because 'THIS CANNOT KEEP HAPPENING.'

Right, then.

So, after more crying and agonizing and general nauseousness, I called her back. I was anticipating the worst (that she was going to kick us to the curb), but she could not have nicer. Said she understood, their dog was like that too, blah blah blah we're all good friends again let's hold hands and sing kumbayah. She was more interested in ensuring that neither of us have to deal with any more complaints, fines, etc., which makes perfect $ense.

So I was calming down because she had been so very pleasant and understanding, when she dropped this little gem on me:

"So, I was going to call you anyway because we are going to want to sell the place."

I thought, noooooo! Get out! No way is she really asking if I want to buy her place, after all of the crap with the neighbors.

But, dear friends, it's true.

"Oh?" I said.

She continued: "Yeah, not right away but definitely in the next few years and we wanted to let you know because if we wanted to sell it and you guys wanted to buy it that would be really easy."

Well, sure, it would be easy, especially since the neighbors have been so ~~ridiculously unpleasant~~ warm and welcoming.

Right. :)

Love Thy Neighbor

2009-09-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, I know you are probably all bored to tears at this point with my never-ending recountings of the minutiae of our neighborhood nimrods.

Suck it up.

:)

Just kidding. I think this will revive your spirits -- it's a good one!

Some friends of ours went out of town not long ago, and rather than leave their car on the street, unsupervised, they asked if we could watch it for them.

Of course we could.

There is a vacant unit next to us, so we parked the car in that spot, with a big note on it.

That's right, we left a note.

A very nice note.

Stating we would happily move the car if need be. We even put an arrow to show which unit the car was affiliated with, AND A SMILEY FACE.

Did you get that? A SMILEY FACE.

People in our development either can't read, hate life, or they're jealous of my drawing skills because...

I bet you guessed it....

We got a complaint! That we had AN EXTRA CAR! WHICH IS NOT ALLOWED! WHAT WERE WE DOING WITH AN EXTRA CAR?! THE NERVE!

Sure, fine, I understand there are regulations and all of that. The ridiculous thing about this is that there is only ONE unit that could have been annoyed by this in any way, shape, or form. So we know who complained. We have talked with said annoyed individual. On occasion, they even wave to us -- from behind the safety of their closed car window, of course.

Was it THAT intimidating to simply walk next door and find out what the story was on the car? That it wasn't staying? There was a NOTE.

ON. THE. CAR.

WITH A $(*%$)(* SMILEY FACE!

Apparently, we are wayyyy scarier that we realize.

:) :) :) :) :) :)

Arachnaphobia

2009-09-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick one about another encounter with the ~~sanctimonious~~ association president.

She came over to check out a problem we were having, and as she was leaving, I thought of something.

Mrs Sitcom: "I've been meaning to call you, because we have been having a real problem with spiders -- I am killing between five and 10 a day -- and I wondered if the whole building is like that, or just us?"

Ass. President: "Oh yes, well it's because of all the plants."

MS: "OK...it's a big problem. I find them everywhere. They are literally all over the place."

AP: "Yes, it happens this time of year." And she turned to leave.

MS: "Is there anything that can be done? Could we spray?"

She was halfway out the door at this point, and she spun around and glared at me with her beady little eyes. I thought lasers were going to shoot out at any minute and reduce me to a pile of ashes on the floor. She didn't speak for a full 15 seconds.

Count that out...it's a looooong time to be silent (especially when you're worried you're going to be fried by lasers ANY MINUTE.)

AP: "SsssspppppprrrrAYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!? We do not SPRAY!!"

MS: [Ummmm...what?] "...Oh..."

She snarled, "Doesn't your DOG eat the spiders?!"
So I guess no spray then? :)

It'a Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

2009-09-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

My run-in in the 'hood reminded me of the other ~~nightmarish~~ wonderful experiences we've had since moving into our place.

The first one happened just after we got Dog II. Poor kid, we trotted him right off to the vet for his you'll-now-sing-one-octave-higher surgery. After said surgery, he had to be confined for two weeks.

That's right: TWO WEEKS.

WITH ANOTHER DOG IN THE HOUSE. Try that on for size if you like a challenge, frayed nerves, zero sleep, and/or fights with your spouse. :)

So anyway, we kept him confined, and one weekend day towards the end of his captivity, we took some friends up on the offer of an outing.

"It will do us good to get out of the house and into the sunshine!," we thought.

Off we went on our merry way, leaving our cares behind.

Or not.

Apparently while we were out, our poor little dear took it upon himself to bark a bit.

And so, not very many days after said barking, I received a call from our ~~totally weird~~ association president. She had received a complaint about one of our dogs barking for "hours" at a time (HOURS?! Reeeeally?? I digress...).

I explained the situation, that he was to be sprung from jail any day now, and the barking would surely stop.

She was glad to hear that, but then said in an indignant, huffy tone, "WELL! Regardless, I HAVE heard your dogs barking when I walk the property."

Reeeeeally? You heard my dogs...BARK? That's just crazy talk.

She walks DIRECTLY behind our place, so the dogs can see her, and she's right up close to the windows. It's during the day, so we're gone...I would EXPECT them to bark in that situation. If they didn't, I'd be bothered -- what's a watchdog(-ish) who doesn't bark when someone's in the back yard?!

Apparently, not dogs in this neighborhood. Excellent! :)

Good Morning, Sunshine.

2009-09-11T09:28:00.001-07:00

Had a totally creepy experience this morning, and it was not even 7 o'clock.

I took the dogs out to the little common grass behind our place -- the grass runs behind two of our neighbors' units.

Dog did her thing, and Dog II did his thing, so I turned the hose on to water down their spots.

No one was barking, yelling, talking, humming, or even breathing very loudly.

I was gently spraying water on their "areas" when all of a sudden I hear behind me "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?! GEEEEEEEZ!"

It scared the absolute bejeezus out of me, I was TOTALLY startled, and jumped two feet in the air. I turned around to see one of the neighbors drop his window shade back into place and continue to mumble unintelligibly for a few seconds.

Creepy.

So apparently he had been watching me??? For who knows how long? This person has done similar things a couple of times in the past, also about nothing, but it's never been this aggressive, or creepy.

It totally threw me off, mostly because we never get the opportunity to respond, or even find out what the problem is -- he yells, and hasn't lifted up the curtain before...at first we didn't even think he was yelling at us because it's so indiscriminate. But I wanted to go inside, pack our stuff, and move immediately. No need to live near Captain Creepy if we don't have to!

I've decided that next time I see him outside (which is literally never. See? Creepy.), I'm going to say HI!!! in my loudest, cheeriest voice.

Either that, or I'll tell him to lay off the sauce...depends on what mood he catches me in!

We'll see what happens.

An Actual Conversation Between Two Married People. (Who May or May Not Be Mr. Perfect & Mrs. Sitcom)

2009-08-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

A little background, if you will:

Last week, Mr. Perfect stuffed all of his work shirts into the dry cleaning bag, and I hauled it to the cleaners (really, to my office...they pick up and deliver...yes, it's divine.) They delivered them on Monday, and I made SURE to grab them on my way out Monday night so he wouldn't have to go to work naked on Tuesday. See what a good wife I am? Do you SEE?! I MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T GO TO WORK NAKED. Now THAT'S caring for you.

Anyway, I digress. So, after dutifully hauling the shirts TO the office last week, I made SURE (courtesy of multiple notes to myself that I would see on my way out, with motivational phrases like DRY CLEANING, and DON'T FORGET THE DRY CLEANING, and DO YOU WANT HIM TO GO WORK NAKED, WOMAN?) to haul them BACK to the domicile on Monday.

I hung them in his closet when I went upstairs to get out of my work clothes into my ~~Saran Wrap dress just like I do every night in preparation for my beloved's arrival~~ sweaty running clothes so that I'd be ready to go walk the dogs as soon as that (*$%*(&^* husband of mine arrived home.

Now, call me crazy, but given that I hung them IN HIS CLOSET -- WHERE HIS CLOTHES GO -- I, in my infinite neglect, DID NOT TELL HIM THEY WERE IN HIS CLOSET. Clearly, I am a selfish individual who doesn't deserve to be in the same room as my darling husband, let alone HANDLE HIS... dry cleaning. Get your minds out of the gutter. :)

So anyway, this morning, FRIDAY MORNING -- in other words, the END of the week that started with the MONDAY where I HAULED HIS CLOTHES HOME SO HE WOULDN'T GO TO WORK NAKED -- we are getting ready for work and he says to me "So, do you know when my dry cleaning will be ready?"

I could not believe my ears. I ~~wheeled around on him and snarled~~ very sweetly said "What do you mean 'when is it going to be ready?'! They've been in your closet ALL WEEK~~, dumb ass~~!"

Mr. Perfect: "Well, you didn't tell me they were in my closet."

Mrs. Sitcom: "WHAT? Right. Because they were IN YOUR CLOSET."

Mr. Perfect: "Well, I don't look in my closet unless I know they're in there."

I could hardly see through the STEAM COMING OUT MY EARS at this point...perhaps I was a little on edge, but THEY WERE IN HIS CLOSET.

Mrs. Sitcom: "WHY wouldn't you look in your closet every day? Where are you getting your clothes?" Has he been GOING TO WORK NAKED despite my best efforts?!???

Mr. Perfect: "I've been getting by with clothes from the dresser. I just thought you would tell me."

Mrs. Sitcom: "And I thought that if I put them IN YOUR CLOSET that you would SEE THEM when you were GETTING DRESSED EVERY DAY."

Mr. Perfect: "But why would I look if I thought they weren't there?"

Mrs. Sitcom: [World's Biggest Eye Roll] "Omygodwhatamigoingtodowithyouugghhhhhhhh......."

Mr. Perfect: "You don't have to be so bitchy."

The end.

Moments like these remind me why I love being married. Love it. Did I mention how much I love it?!

Happy Friday :)

Word To Your Mother.

2009-08-27T03:00:00.000-07:00

These words make me cringe, get under my skin, rankle me, make my skin crawl...in general, they annoy me.

No idea why...it's just always been that way.

Here they are, in no particular order:

Panties
Maxi pad
Potty
BOGO
Preggo
The Hubs
Undies
Hubby
Preggers

Grrrr.... :)

What words make you crazy? (Or am I the only one?!)

High School Reunions: A Great Place To Meet Chicks

2009-08-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

So just before Mr. Perfect and I got engaged, we went to my high school reunion. I wasn't a huge fan of high school, but my curiosity (who's married? has kids? is fat? bald? out of the closet? back IN the closet? successful? living in their parents' garage?!) got the best of me, so off we went.

To my great surprise, everyone looked basically the same -- except that most of the guys looked like they had been drinking beer pretty much straight through since we left high school.

Puffy.

Have I mentioned how much I love Mr. Perfect? :) (He got lots of points for a) going with me and b) not being puffy.)

Anyway, we were chatting with random people here and there as you do at those gatherings, when we found ourselves talking to a guy I sort of recognized but didn't know and couldn't quite place.

Probably because he wasn't in our class.

He was verrrrry focused on me (and every other female within a five-mile radius), and talked to me for more than a few minutes before even casting the slightest glance at Mr. Perfect. Who was standing right next to me.

Oh, I see. He had come to our reunion to pick up chicks. Klassy.

So it turns out I went to my high school reunion to get hit on by a guy who wasn't even in our class. And because he wasn't in our class, he had no idea that the gentleman standing next to me was not, in fact, an old friend from high school but rather my future husband. He asked Mr. Perfect which year he was (isn't that normally implied by the fact that you're at a reunion...?!)....

And as soon as he said "Yeah, I didn't go here...," the guy turned and walked away.

Good times.

TOO Much Information. TMI. T.M.I. TMITMITMITMITMI...

2009-08-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

Back when Mr. Perfect and I were planning our wedding, the person who sat at the front desk of the company where I worked was also engaged.

She was a very 'different' person -- difficult to talk to, and would reveal very personal information to people she hardly knew.

For some reason she thought that she and I were very close, and would bombard me with all sorts of questions -- professional and personal. Where should she go for a massage? Why don't you have wrinkles? (yep, she really said that!) How does the medical insurance work?

One day I had to do something quickly near her desk. She asked how the wedding planning was going, and I said it was going well, crazy, fun, etc. -- nothing too specific. I wasn't done with my 'task,' so to be polite I asked how her planning was going.

Big mistake.

She said, "Oh, I'm not getting married any more."

Crap. I wanted the floor to swallow me whole.

I told her how sorry I was, and that I hadn't realized they had called it off.

She said, "Well, we haven't, but I know I have to break up with him."

Huh?

Basically, she was telling people she didn't know that the wedding was off, but had not told her fiance.

Awkward.

Where Am I? Who Am I? What Day Is It?

2009-08-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up Sunday morning with a start, convinced it was Friday morning, we had slept in and were late for work.

Last night at dinner, we both said it felt like a Saturday night...or even a Friday.

Before going to bed last night, I very deliberately turned my alarm OFF. I didn't realize what I had done until the dogs woke us up this a.m. and I thought "Nooooo, not so early"...until I looked at the clock. Bless them for being so punctual.

This morning, I got out of the elevator at work, looked up from my iPhone (where I was catching up on my Twitter), and I had started to walk in the completely wrong direction...away from my office.

If this is any indication, it's gonna be some week....

Happy Monday, everyone!

No Means No

2009-08-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, as I walked to my car in the parking garage after work, I had a very weird, sitcom-y experience (is there any other kind for me?!)

There was a tall, thin man dressed like a traveling salesman -- jaunty plaid cap and all -- at a car near mine, but he looked like he was getting in or out or something, so I didn't pay much attention.

Just as I got in and started the engine, he walked towards the car and gestured that he wanted to talk to me. All sorts of kidnapping and other horrible stories ran through my head...paranoid much?! :)

Given that he looked so very different, clothing-wise from anyone at my company or any of the other companies in the building -- in other words, not at all like he 'belonged' there -- it was dark, late, and I was by myself, I was more than a little wary.

For a split-second I debated pretending I hadn't noticed and just leaving, but he caught my eye and gestured again and came up next to my door. Grrrr....

I cracked my window a couple of inches and asked "Can I help you?"

He said, "Hi, I noticed you drive a TYPE OF CAR, and I wondered if you like THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH CARS?"

At this point, I was still in 'who is this traveling salesman' mode, so I was thinking "Oh, great, he's trying to sell me something. Ugh."

I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible without being a humongous bitch, so I politely said "No." and turned to put the car in gear.

He persisted: "See, I love cars, and I have a GIGANTIC LUXURY CAR at home -- this is just my plaything (he gestured to a very basic, older sedan that didn't jive AT ALL with what he was claiming to have in his driveway at home. I know stranger things have happened, but...) -- I have one of these [THINGS FOR THE CAR] and I thought you might want it."

Now, let's pause for a moment to ponder that statment. "I thought you might want it." Isn't that something you would normally say to a friend, or someone you know fairly well? This guy didn't know me at all, and it was the first time I had seen him (but perhaps not the first time he had seen me?!), so I thought that a strange statement and presumption to make.

I was getting totally weirded out at this point -- what he was saying didn't seem to add up, I couldn't tell if he was trying to sell me the piece or give it to me, it wasn't something I wanted either way, and I just wanted to be done.

I politely thanked him and declined again, and he said "But I'm giving it to you! It's free!" So at least that question was answered....

I didn't want the object regardless, so I politely thanked him, said no AGAIN, and backed up.

He stood there staring at me with a look of disbelief and insulted-ness on his face, watching me drive away.

I didn't see him for a while after that, but his car was parked near mine several more times. I've since seen him over the past few months -- apparently he works for or with one of the other companies. The experience was unsettling, and it made me re-evaluate where I park my car in the garage, especially with his car in such close vicinity -- I now park in a much more open, public part of the garage far from where he parks. I'm just glad it had the rather bland ending it did. :)

Right. Now Can We Talk About How Fabulous I Am?!

2009-08-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

So there is a promo running on TV right now, and I can't remember what it's for -- it's something involving old TV series and they're either being brought back, or there's some retrospective involving the stars...something along those lines.

Well, one of the series included in the promo is Little House On The Prairie, and one of those stars happens to be Melissa Gilbert.

They show one short clip of her talking, present day, about the show. The first time I saw it, I thought 'Noooo...she didn't really just say that? Maybe she was being sarcastic, or funny, or something...?'

So the promo came on again last night and I thought, OK, I'm, really going to pay attention this time to catch that hint of irony or humor that I was sure must be there.

Nope. Not a shred. She's being completely serious.

What's that? You want to know what she said?

Here's Melissa Gilbert, talking about watching old episodes of Little House:

"There are just these... moments... where she's [meaning herself] just so...just, AMAZING. And then I have to stop myself, and...you know...remind myself -- 'hey, that's YOU.'"

Hey, can we just take a moment to talk about how incredible I am?!

The World's WORST Job Interview or I Must Have An Evil/Slutty/Bitchy/Heartbreaker Twin Somewhere

2009-08-13T16:46:00.001-07:00

I had a truly sitcom-worthy job interview experience a few years ago. For some reason it popped into my head this morning, and it's just too good not to share.

Here goes.

I had moved to NEW STATE to be with Mr. Perfect, and was in the throes of looking for gainful employment. I had my resume out all over the place for various positions in INDUSTRY, and one day got a call from a BIG BIG B.I.G., quite prestigious, well-known company in the area.

They wanted to interview me. Me! Little old ME?! (bats eyelashes) I was so excited I could hardly stand it.

We did the usual phone screening song-and-dance common with big companies, then they scheduled me to come in for a face-to-face. Yahoo!

I put on my best black suit, did my hair (fabulously, of course!), understated make-up, jewelry, the whole bit. I looked very professional.

I arrived at the office a few minutes before the scheduled time and met with my "handler" -- the sweet, sweet woman who'd been doing all of the scheduling for my appointments. I checked in, she and I chatted for a few minutes (and totally bonded over several things), and my interviewer arrived. He was early-ish 30s (if that), an average-to-nice-looking guy, seemingly normal at first glance.

And here's where it became a chapter in the life of Mrs. Sitcom:

As soon as my "handler" introduced us, he took one look at me and... laughed.

That's right.

LAUGHED. Snorted is more like it. And turned beet-red.

To say I was stunned would be the understatement of the century. A quick survey of my person assured me no zippers or buttons were undone, no body parts unwittingly flashing anyone, and my pointy troll ears were well-hidden beneath my hair.

So, what the?!

I was dumbfounded, and then furious. I REALLY wanted this job, and had already been through several rounds of 'screening,' so I wasn't about to have this yay-hoo ruin it for me for God-knows-why reason.

Anyway, I looked him in the eye, shook his hand firmly, and refused to be shaken by his BIZARRE (and AMAZINGLY unprofessional) conduct. We did the interview, and while I held a steady gaze the whole time, he refused to look at me.

Refused. To. Make. Eye Contact.

Ummmm, yeah.

Suck-tastic.

So of course, I did not get a call back for that position. (Shocking! haha) My handler called me back later on and said they'd 'filled the position from within' (i.e., INTERVIEWER couldn't look at you, so we didn't think it would work out. No kidding.), she worked with me to find another position within the company. (Did I mention she was sweet?!)

I was still reeling a bit from the experience when I left, so as soon as I could, I called Mr. Perfect and told him what happened -- he couldn't believe it either.

I would have been tempted to disbelieve me, too...if the guy hadn't SNORTED AND TURNED RED.

NO idea what the issue was -- did I remind him of his high school crush? Stalker? The one that got away? Ex-fiance? Psycho step-sister? Bitchy ex? Imaginary love child? Ex-WIFE? Boss he had the hots for? His mom?

It's anyone's guess.

I ultimately decided that I wasn't meant to work there, and found a great job with a fabulous boss. And got a GREAT story out of it in the end. Anyone else had a bizarre/crazy/insane interview experience? Share it with me!!

Match.com: Laundry Edition

2009-07-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

As I detailed on Tuesday, we are turning over a new leaf on the Sitcom set in an attempt to conquer the laundry/tidiness problem once and for all.

So I traipsed over to [HOME STORE] to procure said magical multi-compartmentalized laundry hamper for ~~my sanity~~ Mr. Perfect's clothes.

We had gone to [HOME STORE] near our house over the weekend (we were MOTIVATED!) but they did not have the hamper we wanted, even though it was listed online. Apparently, it has been discontinued.

The fun begins.

That location called the location near my office, which claimed (!) to have four (FOUR!) of them. We asked that they hold one until lunchtime yesterday, and they said 'OF COURSE!'

I arrive at HOME STORE, go to the Customer Service desk, and say that there was a hamper on hold for me.

No hamper. Perfect! :)

OK, but my new friend HOME STORE WORKER wants to go over to the laundry section and see if it's still out on the floor.

It's not.

So HOME STORE WORKER checks the computer.

And apparently HOME STORE has the. slowest. computer system. known to man. Either that, or HE WAS TOO BUSY ASKING ME ~~WEIRD, PRYING~~ QUESTIONS to find out about the hamper they said they had but didn't actually have.

HOME STORE WORKER: How's your day going?

Mrs. Sitcom: Fine, thank you.

HSW: SO, where you from?

MS: Huh? Does that count as 'making conversation' if I just want to buy a hamper that they told me they have but do not actually have? Ummm... STATE.

HSW: Where in STATE?

MS: Hmmm, COULD YOU JUST FOCUS ON THE COMPUTER AND FIND MY HAMPER?! City.

HSW: How do you like it here?

MS: Stay cool, stay cool. Love it. So, does it look like you have the hampers?

HSW: What brought you up here?

MS: I JUST WANT TO BUY A LAUNDRY HAMPER WHICH I MADE A SPECIAL TRIP FOR AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T EVEN HAVE. (And I could see he wasn't getting the hint, so I decided to just give one-word answers, whatever was the simplest/quickest.) Work. So, any luck with those hampers?

HSW: Yeah, still checking. So, what do you do?

MS: Seriously? [Job].

HSW: Cool. Where's your husband from?

MS: WHAT?! Is this guy for real? STATE.

HSW: How did you meet?

Wait....WHAT? You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Should I just tell him what I drive, how many kids we plan on having, my mother's maiden name, and my high school GPA to save him the trouble?!

All I wanted was to buy a freakin' laundry hamper and get out of here, and this guy wants to play footsies?!

The long and short of it? He FINALLY went to actually look in the back. No hamper to be had, so I ended up buying one that was relatively similar just to GET OUT OF THERE.

So, what should I do about the car that's been following me around since then?! :)

This Is One of Those Moments...or, Really? This Post Is About LAUNDRY?!

2009-07-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

One of those first-year-of-marriage moments that we will look back on and kind of shake our heads, laugh about, and chalk up to just/still getting in the groove of "running" a house together....and ultimately, in the big picture, it's not a big deal. Just one of those funny things that would only happen in the early-ish days of marriage.

The other night we were talking about our laundry "system." We have two distinctly different styles of handling laundry -- but not, I suspect, all that different from most other couples. Mr. Perfect's approach is something akin to when-he-can't-see-or-walk-around-the-pile-anymore, it's time to do the washing. My clothes go into the hamper, and when I run out/the hamper is full, I do laundry. At times, our differing styles have at times caused ~~me to turn into a huge bitch and yell at Mr. Perfect~~ some, ahem, *friction.*

He does keep his pile on his side of the bed, so at least I usually don't have to see it...usually. But I like things neat and picked up, so we were talking about a better system for keeping things more tidy day-to-day. Scintillating stuff, I know.

I don't mind doing all the laundry -- I actually find it really satisfying to have all the laundry done. I know, I know -- a sure sign I'm getting older.... haha! :) But I'm not going to wander around the house picking up his clothes where they fall, so...

We are going to get a compartmentalized hamper -- apparently the hamper with the ONE, COMMUNAL compartment -- where ALL HIS CLOTHES ARE MIXED TOGETHER -- just doesn't motivate him to PUT HIS CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER. So, new hamper it is, and he will put his clothes IN it as he takes them off (no sneaking them all in at once right before laundry day!), and I will do the laundry. I am SO willing to give this a shot, especially if it means Mt. St. Laundry will go into permanent retirement. Doesn't really make sense (cent$?!) for us to do our laundry separately anyway.

All of this leading up to the revelation that all of his shirts, which he has diligently stuffed into the dry cleaning bag and I have diligently hauled to the dry cleaners for the duration of our marriage, DO NOT NEED TO BE DRY CLEANED. I repeat: THEY DO NOT NEED TO BE DRY CLEANED.

Apparently he thought that I had had the opportunity to check the 'LAUNDER' box at some point (there were no checks or boxes), and I thought they HAD to be dry cleaned...so we've been PAYING to have them dry-cleaned this WHOLE TIME. Grrrrr..... Seems they simply need to be ironed...!

I'm not going to go spend a month on an ashram breathing in the good air to help me stop thinking about all of the money we've ~~wasted~~ spent on the dry cleaning this past year -- I'll just chalk it up to a first-year learning experience...and put that money towards a massage or a mani/pedi...after all, I'm going to be tired from all of that laundry. :)

(And, ummm, did I just write an ENTIRE post about LAUNDRY?! Wow. If you made it this far, thank you. If not... I don't blame you!)

This episode brought to you by The Perfects Learn How to Live Together, or Gee This Stuff Is Boring. :)

Coffee in Bed

2009-07-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

One morning last week, I could hear the dogs starting to wake up and rustle around. It was still juuuuust getting light, so I kept my eyes shut in the hope they would settle back down.

I was in that half-asleep, totally dazed and out-of-it between sleeping and waking state. As I was laying there, I realized I'd been hearing a crunching, crackling sound for a while...and should probably find out what it was.

I opened my eyes to find Dog II laying right next to my side of the bed...with a disposable plastic coffee cup in his mouth, "gently" crunching away! (gently because it was still totally intact...nothing short of a miracle.)

Later in the day, I realized how ironic it was. The dogs usually waken before the alarm, and of course they want to eat and play NOW! (which we [mostly] resist)...so he had brought my coffee cup to help me wake up!

Next step: teaching him to make an iced latte! :)

Possibly the sappiest post ever.

2009-07-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on our (minuscule) deck in the sunshine with the dogs (dogS! Ssssss! :) ), finally catching up on my Google Reader (soooo far behind...), drinking some iced tea, and it hit me how good I/we have it.

It's a sunny Saturday, the house is clean, we have two ridiculously adorable dogs, we're healthy, great friends, great family, and we're looking about houses and talking babies. Did I mention it's Saturday and it's sunny?! :)

We watched "Say Yes to the Dress" last night (Mr. Perfect turned the TV on and that's the channel it was on, so I blame him :) ), and after watching the delicious insanity that is that show for a few minutes, he said "I love being married to you."

There's a possibility I may have teared up...but don't believe everything you hear. :)

We're so lucky.

Life is good.

Happy Saturday!

The Church of the Holy Cow

2009-07-24T05:15:00.000-07:00

My first day on a new job a couple of years ago, I was being 'trained' by the person who was leaving. We took a quick break mid-morning, and ended up in the kitchen having a snack together.

She steered the conversation towards diet and fitness and started quizzing me on my yogurt. Yep, my yogurt.

She asked why I ate it, what I ate in general, and what I did for exercise. The way she was asking the questions (rapid-fire, very prying -- tough to describe, just odd for someone who I didn't know at all) was starting to weird me out a little, so I tried to keep it short and sweet.

She immediately launched into her diet.

Oh, her diet.

She started listing everything that she had cut OUT of her diet -- wheat, grains, sugar, fruits, nuts, protein, fat...you get the idea. I was starting to wonder what could possibly be left for her to eat when she capped it off with this:

"...and I don't believe in dairy."

Huh?!

I was not aware that dairy was a belief system.

All this time I thought it was just something from cows.

My mistake.

But, more importantly, if CHEESE is a religion, I'm in!!

It's Official: We're Crazy

2009-07-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

We got another dog!!!Meet Dog II:(Sooo wish I could post a real photo, but that darn anonymity thing...! :) )

We had been talking about it for a while and knew that it would be fun, and really good for Dog to have a buddy while we are at work all day. We had gone to the shelter a few times and looked online, and hadn't found a dog that was a good fit.

And then one fell into our laps.

[Almost] literally.

We hadn't mentioned to anyone that we were looking for another dog, but an acquaintance of ours just out of the blue mentioned her friend had a dog that needed a new home. It was the exact breed/sex/etc. we were looking for...!

I've heard of serendipity, but this was just weird....

We saw a few pictures, talked to the owner...and the rest is history.

I am smitten. I love having two dogs in the house and the craziness that brings -- a good kind of crazy.
Mr. Perfect agrees...most of the time. :)

There has been some tearing out of hair and some, how to say this delicately, *stressful* moments, but overall we love it.

Dog is pretty happy to have a friend -- they were actually spooning on the floor last night and I wish I had been able to reach my camera without disturbing them, but I couldn't -- so you'll have to settle for ClipArt. :)Disgustingly adorable! :)

Blamestorming

2009-07-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Reading about a recent home-invasion robbery reminded me of this is ridiculous Michael Scott Moment from my past:

A couple of years ago, I worked for a very small company. Not long after I started working there, I was out of the office for a few days for a vacation -- it had been planned long before I accepted the job.

The day I got back from the trip, the boss was out of the office -- this was not unusual, so I didn't think anything of it until one of the other people told me the boss's house had been badly burglarized.

Naturally I was upset for them, and when the boss came in later that day I gave them a hug and tried to comfort them.

They were very upset, telling us about all of the damage to the home and the precious items they had lost. It was a terrible story, and we all offered to help however we could. We talked about it for a bit and then people started to disperse.

I told them again how sorry I was that it had happened and offered to help, and then turned to walk away when my boss dropped this zinger on me:

"It's just so frustrating because if you had been here I would have had more time at home and I would have hidden things so we wouldn't have lost as much stuff."

Yes. That's correct. The boss was blaming me for their lost items.

Ahhh, blamestorming at its finest. :)

I decided the best response was no response at all, returned to my desk...and promptly started updating my resume.

:)

The Wheels on This Bus Go...

2009-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

Boom-Boom-Boom!

Driving to work this morning, I ended up sitting at a stoplight next to a bright yellow school bus. This bus was sans children, and I think the driver was reveling in the novelty of it because he was blasting the Mr. Big classic, "I'm The One Who Wants to Be With You."

Wow. :)

Took me straight back to sixth grade. It was so loud I could hear the words. I never realized before how bizarre some of them are....

Take for instance the line "I can make your life worthwhile, I can make you start to smile"...if she's running around frowning all the time, would he really want to be with her that much?!

Or, my personal favorite is something along the lines of "I'm next in line to be with you"...so basically, she gets around and he's just waiting until his number is up? Or, when he says he's "next" in line, does that mean there are people after him in line?! :)

Definitely different from the bus rides I remember as a kid.... :)

Open-Door Policy.

2009-07-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

So Mr. Perfect and I were taking our nightly dog-walk last night, and as we got closer to "downtown," we saw more and more people in "fancy dress." There must have been some sort of event going on, and it was fun seeing all of the couples walking around in their nice clothes.

One couple in particular caught our attention.

They were walking towards us, and got into a car parked at the curb right as we were walking by. We noticed them not only because of the car they were getting into -- a 1980s-ish Camaro, in mint condition (Knight Rider, anyone?!) -- but also because the guy walked around to the passenger side to open the door for the woman.

So sweet.

I jokingly said to Mr. Perfect, "Are you taking notes?!"

With a mischievous grin, he said:

"Yeah. Note to self: Buy a 1985 Camaro."

Save the Drama For Your Mama

2009-07-14T09:53:00.001-07:00

I hate family drama. HATE IT. HAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-ATE it. Grrrrrrr!

Family drama is so unnecessary, aggravating, immature, counter-productive , divisive, hurtful, and so downright awful, I could just spit. Or vomit. Or spit vomit.

Depends on how mad I am.

Right now, very. (I will spare you the gory details because a) I am too mad to see straight, let alone write coherently/maturely about it b) they're too identifying c) they're gory.)

The women in my family are typically very demure, classy ladies...unless someone makes the mistake of f***ing with our families. :)

The lioness will make an appearance, and it will not be pretty. :)

That is all. Thank you for letting me vent. I will definitely be enjoying a ~~bottle~~ glass or two of wine tonight.

Whazup, Dog?!

2009-07-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

So we made a quick trip to the vet over the weekend, and let me tell you, going to the vet right before 4th of July is pure comedy.

My first clue was when I was signing the dog in. Right above my line on the sign-in sheet under 'Reason for Visit,' the person had written "Fireworks." (I Tweeted about this while we were there.) Awesome.

Then as we were waiting to be called back, the following conversation happened at the front desk.

Vet Tech: Hi Mr. Lastname, what can we help you with today?

Mr. Lastname: Yeah, I just need to get a refill of [tranquilizer] for my dog.

VT: OK, is the dog here today?

ML: No, she's not available.

VT: OK, well we can't write a prescription without doing an examination because it is a drug.

ML: Yeah, yeah -- I just don't want to have to come back.

VT: Riiiight...but unless we can see the dog, there isn't anything we can do.

ML: OK, let me see if I can find her.

So, let me get this straight. You went to the vet to get a prescription for tranquilizers "for your dog," and didn't even bother to put up the pretense of bringing a dog with you?! And then when they tell you they can't give you the meds without seeing a dog, you say you don't want to have to come back? Yes, because we wouldn't want you to have to take extra time out of your ~~charade~~ day.

Ten bucks says his name is 'Dog.'

Those Meek Leaders Sure Know How to Party

2009-07-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

So as I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning, the station did a story on the protests going on in China between the Han Chinese and the Uighurs.

The commentator was describing the scene in the streets there, and said something along the lines of, "The Han Chinese are crowding the streets, saying they are fearful of more attacks by the Uighurs. And the Uighurs are carrying along meek leaders."

I thought, "Meek leaders?"

So, a bunch of small, shy Chinese elders are crowd surfing over a group of Uighurs in the middle of the riots?!

Can't be right. Funny, but can't be right.

And then I realized....

She said MEAT CLEAVERS.

Definitely not as funny.

Personally, I'll take the crowd-surfing meek leaders over an angry mob with meat cleavers any day.

It's Take Your Dog to Work Day!!!

2009-06-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

And I did not realize it until I arrived at work, sans dog.

It's cool. :)

I don't know that Dog (and her many, many vocalizations throughout the day) would have been a welcome, or appropriate, guest today -- although she is quite adorable and I know my co-workers would have loved ~~getting slobbered on~~ meeting her.

Perhaps next year...if we can get her to be less of a loudmouth. (We did buy a book called, simply enough, 'Barking' -- some GREAT tips and we are seeing a small improvement...so persevere we will!)

In other news, I'm having one of those wonderful days where everything seems to be going wonderfully, fabulously right. Even though I really hate this phrase, I am definitely high on ~~chocolate-covered espresso beans~~ life today.

A few reasons why:

It's Friday, have had some great visits and conversations with Mr. Perfect/friends/co-workers the past few days. Dog is being a 'better barker' (Perhaps we'll start calling her 'Bob'? :) ), the SUN IS SHINING...did I mention it's Friday?!, I'm not getting on an airplane, we get to be home all weekend together (that's been a rarity around the Sitcom set these past few weeks), it's SUMMER!! I've been accomplishing my whole to-do list at work the past few days, and have started making headway on some big projects [outside of work] which have the potential to change my career path, lifestyle, and earning power, all for the better, in the future...I am definitely buzzing about that! All in all, lots of things to smile about on this beautiful Friday, and a glorious weekend to look forward to.

I think we'll start it off by walking down to the water for cocktails tonight after work...ahhhh....

Wishing you all a Fabulous Friday and a Wonderful Weekend! :)

Face Tattoos: It's an Epidemic...?

2009-06-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

WHAT is going on around here?

The other night, we were looking on The Smoking Gun and happened across this mug shot:(LPC, my apologies. I promise this is the last one. Unless, of course, there really is an epidemic! haha At least this one has no piercings!)

WHAT in the HAIL?!

Do you think he knows the Belgian tattoo "artist"?

I love TSG's commentary that the man was arrested for a domestic dispute, and police knew it was him from "several identifying facial characteristics." Ha!

Now, I definitely grew up in a beautiful, sheltered little bubble, so maybe I'm just completely out of touch, but when did full-face tattoos become a 'good' idea???

Totally bizarre. :)

It's already one of those days...and it's early.

2009-06-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Started out OK...not enough sleep last night and my allergies are killing me, but other than that a good morning.

Hadn't been at my desk for two minutes before I got the following phone call:

Mrs. Sitcom: This is Mrs. Sitcom.

Caller: Hi, this is NAME from COMPANY.

And here's where I thought I would have the opportunity to say something like "Good morning!" or "How can I help you?" No need. She launched right into a spiel that went something like this:

Caller, continuing: We're a 10,000-year-old multi-planetary operation comprised of diverse entities poised to take over the universe, and I was reading about your company's RECENT ACTIVITY (which, btw, was not accurate information) and I wondered if you ever have need for services like that.

Mrs. Sitcom (in my best let's-make-this-a-short-call, non-committal monotone): No, we do not.

Caller: What about ACTIVITY THAT IS NOT RELEVANT TO MY COMPANY?

Mrs. Sitcom: No, we do not.

Caller: How about OTHER ACTIVITY THAT IS NOT RELEVANT TO MY COMPANY?

Mrs. Sitcom: No, we do not have need for any of those services. Thank y--

Caller: OK! Well, how about I send you some information by e-mail?!

Mrs. Sitcom: OK, times are tough, she's not giving up easily. Or completely unaware that I'm annoyed. Who knows. Sure. Here's the e-mail: GENERIC E-MAIL ADDRESS. (It's generic, but we do use it, and I personally check it every day. Just serves as an e-mail we can give out to solicitors that doesn't give away the name format at our company/makes it more difficult for them to guess our individual e-mails, and by extension, that of the executive team.)

Caller: OK, so it's Mrs. Sitcom GENERIC EMAIL ADDRESS.

Mrs. Sitcom: No, just GENERIC EMAIL ADDRESS.

Caller, in quite a saucy tone: Well, HOW do I know YOU will get it?!

Mrs. Sitcom, calmly: Because I check it every day.

Caller: Oh.

Mrs. Sitcom: OK, thank you for the call and we'll look for the inf-

Caller, talking over me: We provide services to COMPANY and COMPANY, and COMPANY for over, well, let me see, 200 years.

Mrs. Sitcom: OK, I will look for the info. Thank you.

Caller: Well yes, that's why I thought it would be good for you to have this information, you see we are the bestest and most wonderfulest and people like us.

Mrs. Sitcom: OK, thank you very much, I will look for the information. Slowly hangs up the phone....
****************************
I appreciate that times are tough, and making cold-calls has to be a terrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. At the same time, if I tell you that we have no need for the types of services that you are offering (and, I was being completely honest -- we truly have ZERO need for that type of thing), it might be acceptable for the caller to ask if they can check in with the person in a few months or a year, but continuing to hammer away with information about their company if you have already expressed that you have no need or interest is just plain annoying, clueless, and rude. Not to mention that if we ever do need that type of service, we probably wouldn't go with that company simply because of how pushy they are -- that does not indicate to me that they would be attentive to the client's needs.

So, that's my ~~grouchy unsolicited rant~~ tip for the day: if you're making cold calls, don't insist on sending info if the person couldn't care less -- but DO ask if you can check in with them down the road. That way you both win and no one gets mad.

PS Just realized that I may be PMS'ing. Probably would still have been annoyed. You decide :)

Giveaways, giveaways, giveaways!

2009-06-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sooooo many great giveaways going on right now! I like to think it's all of the sunshine and free time and relaxing and warm weather that has brought us this onslaught of fantastic "winables." (I think I just made up a word...)

And so, without further ado, I give you...this week's giveaways!!

First up is a cool stationery giveaway from MRM at Prep In The Big Apple, courtesy of Preppy Princess. I loooove stationery and hand-written notes, so this is a truly fabulous giveaway! The Carrie & Tuck set is so cute, and I know my friends and family would love to receive notes on these papers & cards!

Next up is a fun one - personalized plates and platters from Molly Lou Gifts, courtesy of Muffy Martini! The giveaway ends tomorrow and you won't want to miss it!

And last but not least, a reeeeally cute giveaway from Miss Sweet Tea over at Sweet Tea Diaries -- APRONS from Annie G! These are just too cute...the perfect accessory for the modern cook.

But wait, there's more! TWO great giveaways from Erika, the Chic Shopper Chick!

The first one is one I reeeeeeally would love to win (actually, I think I need to be the runner-up and win the DVD, because we don't have a Blu-Ray player yet!) But back to the giveaway -- one lucky winner will get a copy of Confessions of a Shopaholic on Blu-Ray (and a runner-up will get it on DVD)!

Second -- this one is sooooo cute -- is a three-pack of too-cute-for-words Kidneybeenz burp cloths from Jillian at Kustom Baby Stuff!! Oh my goodness, these are just too cute. I am beginning to have baby fever -- for reals -- looking at all this stuff. Not to worry, I do realize that a plethora of ridiculously cute baby gear is NOT a good reason to have a little bean...yet. :) All in good time, my friends, all in good time. (Of course, I'll let you know!) In the meantime, I have plenty of niece-lets and nephews to bestow these upon! :)

So there you have it -- giveaway round-up for today.

Good luck and happy Friday, ladies!!

A Face Only A Mother Could Love...

2009-06-18T13:19:00.001-07:00

Not sure if you've heard the story of the Belgian girl who claims she went to a tattoo parlor to get three stars tattooed on her face, and ended up with 56?!

The girl claims she "fell asleep" while the tattooing was taking place, and woke up to a discover that the tattoo "artist" had given her 56 stars instead of three. (First question: how do you sleep while a needle is being slammed into your face over and over????)

So here's the thing -- I feel so badly for this girl if what happened was not what she wanted. She now looks like this:
Very pretty, but yeah...56 stars on your face is going to cause an issue sooner or later....

Then again, here's the guy she went to for the work:

Ummm...nightmarish is the word that comes to mind. Right after "what happened to that poor guy?!"

I originally clicked on the story because I saw a thumbnail of the above photo and thought "Oh no, that poor deformed man -- what condition would have caused his mouth to do that?!" (OK, it was a very small thumbnail of the photo!)

In any case, once I saw the enlarged version and realized that he had done all of that to himself, I wondered "Why?" Right after "Ouch!" I mean, how does he even close his mouth to eat or swallow? So bizarre.

I hope they get it figured out, and that the girl isn't left with too many scars on her face.

In the meantime, I'm going to think about puppies and other tiny cute things to get the image of that guy's face out of my head.

Yikes.

(Read the full story here.)

A Game of Memory

2009-06-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

Anyone play Memory growing up? It was one of my favorite games -- we used to lay the cards out on the floor in a huuuuuuuuuge square, which for some reason made it even more fun (maybe it was the novelty of making a mom-sanctioned "mess"?! :) )

In any case, I'm thinking I may need to break out those cards again, as my memory appears to be failing.

The other night, we had an appointment with someone to come over to our house to discuss a project, and he had not been there before.

Multiple phone calls and wrong turns later, he finally called to say he was walking up the driveway, so I -- still on the phone -- walked outside to see if I could see him.

I could, so we hung up. I had thought we would go right in the house, but we ended up talking on the driveway, then Mr. Perfect got home, etc. etc. etc.

Early on in the conversation, I had set my phone down on the trash can which sits right outside the garage, saying to myself, "Now don't forget and leave that there."

I thought "Of course not! It's my PHONE. I wouldn't leave my PHONE outside. And besides, it's right there. I'll SEE it."

The next morning as I was driving to work I reached for my phone, only to find that it wasn't in its usual pocket.

"Oh, @*$&%!" I thought, "I left it at home."

This happens on occasion -- I use it while we're watching TV and accidentally leave it on the coffee table, or I'll plug it in upstairs to charge and then walk right past it as I leave for work -- so I thought, no big deal. It will sit on my desk and ring a few times -- I'll get it when I get home.

I got home, fed Dog, and glanced around the usual spots.

No phone.

I looked in all the usual spots again, this time with a little more focus. Then the not-so-usual spots.

I decided to call it and let the ringing tell me where it was. I dialed....no ringing in the house.

I stepped into the garage -- a-HAH, muffled ringing!

I thought, "Ugh, what a dufus I am...it's been in the car and I had it with me the whole time!"

But it wasn't under the front seat...in the glove compartment...or the trunk.

I could still hear it and it was making me a little nuts, when all of a sudden it hit me...

The TRASH CAN.

Ummm...ooops!

I ran outside and there it was, my iPhone, just laying on top of the trash can...where it had been for the last 24 hours!

Yikes.

Luckily we live in a really safe area, or I might be writing about my new iPhone.

Now, about that game of Memory....

...wait...what was I saying?!

AWESOME. A Moustache Hat.

2009-06-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

Browsing Twitter a couple of minutes ago, I saw Mrs. Newlywed's tweet about SCRUNCHIES and thought "NO WAY! It CAN'T be true."

It's true.

They're back.

And at American Apparel, of all places! AA, have some respect for yourself! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some American Apparel tank tops and such, but given that they also brought us these, these, and this (which, on closer inspection, actually appears to be a "these"), I guess I really shouldn't be surprised...!

Back in the day, I was an incredibly dedicated, card-carrying member of the Scrunchie Nation. Not only did I own more than...well, let's just say more than anyone should have owned ~~ever~~ in one lifetime, I had them in the same fabrics as some of my skirts and I even MADE MY OWN on ~~way too many~~ occasions.

Amateurs, stand back.

That said, I was not sorry to see them go...and I can't believe they have returned. Crazy.

Luckily, the day has been saved!

As I perused the American Apparel page for some sign that this was all a big fat joke, I saw this:

A MOUSTACHE HAT! How. Freakin'. Hilarious. SO funny. I love it.

I'm contemplating buying one for myself, just to see the looks I'd get from people. (Also good for concealing true identity while blogging. Hmmmm....)

Happy Friday, everyone!

Poop-Freeze

2009-06-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was recently informed via e-mail that "'Poop' is now following [me] on Twitter."

Ummm...great?! :)

Then I came across this article on MSN.com: The Stars of SkyMall.

So, in honor of all this crap (har-dee har har), I thought I'd do a little 'ode to poop.' No, not really, but the name of this product caught my eye and I thought "What the...?" After I stopped laughing, I felt it my duty to share it with you, gentle readers.

And so, enjoy! haha

"The Stars of SkyMall

Image courtesy of PC World

The products offered in the in-flight shopping catalog SkyMall range from novel to nifty to nonsensical. At PC World we love all things gadget, so we decided to take a few of the more interesting SkyMall products (think Poop-Freeze, Spy Pen Camera and Feng Shui Compass) for a test drive

Poop Freeze

Love your pup but hate the poop? Yeah -- we do, too. So we'd jump at any product that could take the yuck out of our canine waste disposal duties. Poop Freeze purports to do just that by freezing the dookie into a solid lump that won't squish or smear. But in our backyard (I won't say "hands-on") trials, the squish persisted, even when we sprayed the, uh, poop out of the dung and waited the recommended 10 seconds for rigidification to ensue.

We don't know whether it worked any better in the Poop Freeze laboratories' clinical trials because, as you can (or can't) see in the picture above, the photographer discreetly left the target of the spray out of the picture. Nevertheless, this product's poop-centric label and general novelty value were enough to justify its $15 price tag.

-- Robert Strohmeyer"

I'm No Michael Vick: A PSA of Sorts

2009-06-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

So this is not the usual fare that you expect from the Sitcom set -- you know, funny, charming, witty, light-hearted...hahaha -- but I wanted to 'bend your ear' briefly about something that most of us will hopefully never encounter. (And I promise I'll be back to my fabulous, zany self tomorrow :). harhar)

I recently had a ring-side seat when a fight broke out between two [normally] incredibly friendly, sweet, cuddly, perfect family dogs. Both are a breed that you would NEVER, ever, ever (ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever...) expect to get into a fight, but with two adult dogs of the same sex this type of thing apparently does happen from time to time.

We were lucky -- there was no serious physical damage by/to either dog, the guys who broke up the fight escaped unscathed, and none of us vomited (horror, fear, shock, helplessness, and panic are not a good combo!)

After everything settled down, the dogs were attended to, a bottle of wine opened (what better way to calm nerves, and celebrate that everyone was ok?! haha), I did some research on dogs fighting.

I wanted to know how we could prevent this in the future, and why it happened. What I didn't expect to find out was that we had been completely wrong in how we stopped the fight.

I found this website, Leerburg® Dog Training, run by Ed Frawley, which has TONS of great info on raising dogs, but most importantly explains in detail how to break up a dog fight. And better yet, what not to do!

Be sure to check out the page for all of the info (and some incredible/scary/gory photos of what can happen when the dog(s) turn on you), but here's some of the most important info.

Why you shouldn't just jump in and try to break up the fight:

"...Unless you have a lot of experience do not try and break up a dog fight by yourself. Never step in the middle of two loving pets and try and grab them by the collar to stop a dog fight. If you try this, the chances of you being badly bitten are extremely high. People don't understand that 2 animals in the middle of a fight are in survival drive. If they see you at all, they don't look at you as their loving owner. When you charge in and grab them they either react out of a fight reflex and bite, or they see you as another aggressor. When they are in fight or flight mode they will bite you. You can take that to the bank."

How to break up a fight:

"The safest way to break up a dogfight requires 2 people. Each person grabs the back feet of one of the dogs. The dog back feet are then picked up like a wheelbarrow. With the legs up, both dogs are then pulled apart.

Once the dog fight is broken up and the dogs pulled apart it is critical that the people do not release the dogs or the dog fight will begin again. The two people need to start turning in a circle, or slowly swinging the dogs in a circle while they back away from the other dog. This stops the dog from curling and coming back and biting the person holding their legs.

By circling the dog has to sidestep with its front feet or it will fall on its chin. As long as you slowly continue to back and circle, the dog cannot do any damage to you. To insure that the fight will not begin all over again when you release the dogs, one of the dogs needs to be dragged into an enclosure (i.e. a kennel, the garage, another room) before the dog is released. If you do not do this, the dogs will often charge back and start fighting again or if you release the dog to quickly the dog will turn and attack the person who had his feet.

Dog fights are a very dangerous thing to try and break up alone. You should never rush in and try and grab the dogs to pull them apart. They are in high "fight drive" and are not thinking clearly when fighting. If someone grabs them they will bite without even thinking about who or what they are biting. This is how your loving pet can dog bite the living crap out of you in about a second and a half.

In reality it probably doesn't even know it's biting you. I compare it to a bar fight. If a person comes up behind 2 guys fighting and just reaches out and grabs the shoulder of one of the combatants most of the time the fighter is going to turn and throw a punch without even looking at who or what he is hitting. This is because his adrenaline in pumping and he is in "fight drive"."

Soooooo...hopefully you will never have to see/break up/be in any way involved in a dog fight, but if you do, I hope that the info in this post and on Ed's site helps keep you safe!

Easier than taking Cake from Kids with Cancer...

2009-06-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

So here's an mini-rant and an etiquette question (very curious what your opinions are -- fire away!). For Sister's wedding, she announced in the month leading up to it that [Future] Mother-in-Law had called to arrange for a certain charity to take all of the leftover food and cake from the wedding, and wasn't that wonderful of her!

Except that my parents paid for the wedding, and by extension, the food. It was held at the Sugar Lips' parents' house, but as far as my family was concerned, the people paying for it should have been the ones to decide how they wanted the leftovers handled. Now this may all sound very petty, but I am going to chalk it up to a) weddings make people crazy, and b) [this is a rather small issue but] it was the straw that broke the camel's back as far as Mother-In-Law is concerned, and c) thanks to her we are now TAKING CAKE AWAY FROM THE KIDS WITH CANCER.

Bastards. :)

Who's to say that wouldn't have been my parents' decision, too?!

It's the fact that she took it upon herself to make arrangements for something that simply happened to be in her home because of the venue choice, which she would have had nothing to do with otherwise. (Don't worry, she's an equal-opportunity busy-body...she left no element of the event un-touched........)

Which then put my parents in the position of looking like royal asses if they wanted to change the plan, or -- horrors! -- even take some of it home so they didn't have to cook as they recovered from the wedding (I have never seen them this exhausted, btw....)

After everything was over, my mom was cutting a couple of small pieces of the cake for our family to enjoy this week (because my mom is too concerned about what people think of her, and knows that it would have looked like she was a non-do-gooder, to protest the cake donation or even say one peep about it) -- and leaving several whole cakes untouched, when Mother-In-Law came up and boomed:

"Now, Mother-of-the-Bride, I already gave you a piece of this and a piece of that. It's fine if you want more, but I did already give you some."

My poor mom stopped mid-cut with a spatula in the air, and I'm pretty sure she left the cake there. Everyone froze, I don't think anyone knew what to say...and now I really wish I had jumped in, because I don't give a hoot what Mother-In-Law thinks of me.

Next time, I'm all over it...she won't know what hit her :) haha

So here's my question: my parents paid for the wedding. What's your opinion on how the food, etc. should have been handled? The Mother-In-Law decides because it's her house? My parents handle it because they paid for it? They decide together? They let me decide, and I eat all the cake? :) Let it fly -- I/we can take it! Mountain out of a molehill? We're being colossal douche-bags? We should have stuffed all the cake into our purses and run like hell? Let me know!

And, because I was in quite a mood and having fun titling this post, here are the runners-up:

Making Sure the Kids With Cancer Get No Cake

Kids with Cancer Don't Need Cake

Do-Gooders: Cake for Cancer

Cake Nazi: No Cake for You!

My House, Your Cake

You Buy It, I'll Donate It

What's In Your Fridge: You've Gotta See This!

2009-05-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

(Street Advertiser | San Antonio, TX | 1-Person Household | Lives on $432 fixed monthly income | 2007)

Check out this fascinating, crazy, wild, funny, sad, wacky project by photographer Mark Menjivar.

GOOD Magazine describes the project this way:

We purchase refrigerators the way we fill them: out of necessity—to preserve the milk; to keep the greens from wilting. But from the right vantage point, an open fridge is the perfect staging grounds for a discussion of consumption. And if the aphorism holds true—if we really are what we eat—then refrigerators are like windows into our souls. It’s that sentiment that’s at the heart of Mark Menjivar’s inventive exploration of hunger, “You Are What You Eat,” for which he photographed the contents of strangers’ refrigerators. As you can see, whether it holds neatly ordered rows of labels-out condiments or zip-locked stacks of shot-and-gutted buck meat, there’s almost certainly a narrative to a fridge’s arrangement.

I've included a few samples below (with captions), but check out the rest of the ones on GOOD's website, here:

College Students | Waco, TX | 3-Person Household | Drummer for a Death Metal band. | 2009

(I'm pretty sure the Sitcom fridge has looked very similar on a few occasions....)

Short Order Cook | Marathon,TX | 2-Person Household | She can bench press over 300lbs. | 2007

NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THE ONE ABOVE????!!!!!!!!

Bar Tender | San Antonio, TX | 1-Person Household | Goes to sleep at 8AM and wakes up at 4PM daily. | 2008

What do you think? How do these make you feel?

Helpmeet: Help Me Help You

2009-05-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

So, here's another story related to the Wedding of the Century:

Sugar Lips' mother said the blessing one of the pre-wedding events, and thanked God for "finding such a wonderful help-mate for Sugar Lips."

My radar went up. HELP-MATE? I'm not a feminist by pretty much any definition, but that sounded pretty wackadoodle to me. (And I'm pretty sure I would have freaked out a little if my future mother-in-law had described me that way, and would have had a talk with Mr. Perfect to find out what his 'expectations' were.)

I did a little research, and found this informative (and funny!) description of what it means (my italics):

"Helpmate and Adam's Rib

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
-- Genesis 2: 18 (KJV)

A husband would be best advised not to call his wife a "helpmate" these days (!), but once upon a time the word was considered a high compliment. The term's prestige derived mostly from its origin in the book of Genesis, where the older form "help meet" is how God describes the mate he creates for Adam.

Actually, though, "help meet" is not an integral phrase in the King James translation, and despite the resemblance "meet" does not mean "mate," but rather "fitting." What God intends for Adam is a "help" (helper) "meet for him" -- in other words, "equal to and appropriate for him." (The oldest English translation, John Wyclif's 1382 version, gives "Make we to hym help like hym.")

The OED calls the word "help-meet" or "helpmeet" -- which first appeared in John Dryden's Marriage à la Mode (1673) -- a "compound absurdly formed by taking the two words help meet" in Genesis "as one word." Absurd or not, the word remained in common usage until the late nineteenth century. By 1715, though, the parallel and more logical term "helpmate" had appeared, and it (barely) survives to this day as an epithet for one's wife.

Now that that's straight, back to the story. If you recall, the Priestly Author "P" told us in Genesis 1 that God created man and woman in a single stroke. In the author J's version, however, Yahweh first creates Adam but then realizes he is not complete unto himself. God then tries providing various beasts and fowl for company, but among them "there was not found an help meet for him" (Genesis 2: 20).

So Yahweh casts a deep sleep over Adam, opens his flesh, and extracts a rib. From this rib God creates the first woman, who remains unnamed at first but whom Adam calls Eve (Havva -- "life" in Hebrew, close to the Sumerian for "rib") since, after the fall, she is to be mother of all mankind (Genesis 3: 20). From this story, obviously enough, comes the phrase "Adam's rib," also the title given to a film by George Cukor and to a ski resort in Colorado's White River National Forest.

Even though Eve was created after Adam and from one of his spare ribs, note that the Bible doesn't claim this makes her Adam's inferior. In fact, that's the whole point of the phrase "help meet for him," and of Adam's apostrophe, "bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh." Women are subjected to men only after Eve takes the lead in defying God -- see The Tree of Knowledge." -- from the website of San Francisco's Grace Cathedral.

Armed with my new knowledge, I feel a bit calmer. Plus, 'helpmeet' is just too good. So funny.

So interesting that a phrase that now would send feminists into paroxysms of apoplexy would have been considered one of the highest compliments in years (centuries?!) past. All in all, just unusual to hear someone talk that way...?

I suppose only time will tell, but my fingers are crossed that my sister isn't conscripting herself into a lifetime of subservience...because that's no fun! :)

So, Modern Women, what do you think? Ever heard this word used before? In what context? Would you be flattered, or concerned, if you were described that way?

eBay, You Should Be Ashamed

2009-05-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

Browsing eBay for sundresses today (yep, officially addicted), and came across this:

Not. making. this. up. Wish I was that creative.

Not sure what to caption it, so I'm just going to list the options:

"Too bad I already have it in pink and yellow."

"What a bargain...just afraid I'd show up at a party and all of my girlfriends would be wearing it, too."

"It's so versatile - dress it up or down!"

"The perfect dress for the company picnic."

"In a word: Classy."
..................................................................................
Hope you've all had a wonderful Memorial Day!

Hmmm...Maybe the Problem is the BOYFRIEND

2009-05-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Here's another tale from Adventures in Bachelorette Parties:

One of the games we played at my sister's party is the bachelorette equivalent of Pin the Tail on the Donkey -- an "old standby" at bachelorette parties, and one I'm sure you've all played, possibly many times.

For my sister's party, we played a more "personalized" version. We pasted two pin-ups of reeeeeally fit guys onto a big sheet of paper, then used a photo of the fiance and stuck his face on the two bodies. Hilarious!

Clearly, the object of the game was to see if you could kiss the photo on the lips. (I know that's obvious, but I'm just making sure we're all on the same page because of what comes next.)

When we brought the poster out, there were lots of giggles and some shrieks of laughter because it was really funny-looking, and people realized what the game was.

A couple of the girls said how strange they felt having to kiss my sister's fiance. A little dramatic, but whatever.

We got the game going, and everyone was laughing and joking around.

And then I heard one of the girls say "Oh, I can't do it -- BOYFRIEND will be mad."

She was serious.

I'm pretty sure my head separated from my body, shot into the air, and spun around a million times before settling back onto my neck.

I couldn't believe my ears.

Ummm, WHAT?

Your boyfriend will be mad if you kiss a PIECE OF PAPER?!

AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Once I got over my shock, I really felt badly for her. It doesn't sound like a good, healthy relationship. I just hope she is OK.

I happened to mention this to my sister the next day, and she thought it was perfectly reasonable. (Small Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!)

So, whaddya think? Am I way off base here? Would your man have a problem with that game? If they did, would you think it was ok? (I obviously haven't made any bones about my point of view, but I am totally open and would love to hear from both sides!!)

Praying at a Bachelorette Party: A DO or a DON'T?

2009-05-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, I've mentioned before how my sister's bachelorette party was going to be more "relaxed" than the traditional idea of a bachelorette -- no strippers, no condom bracelets or penis necklaces, no body shots, and no getting drunk at bars while being forced to fulfill dares that your girlfriends come up with.

And I think that's perfectly fine.

A woman's bachelorette party is really just her "last hurrah" with "the girls" before she's old and married... :) And clearly given that it's the bride's night, it should be tailored to what she likes and is comfortable with. That said, it should still be focused on fun, a true celebration for the bride-to-be, and her friends/sisters should do everything in their power to make it so.

For my sister's party, she wanted something very low-key, so a couple of her friends and I came up with a party that was really mellow but still focused on celebration... and of course making her wear a veil in public! (She looked so cute!)

Things were going SO well -- lots of laughter (we laughed until we cried...it was perfect!), joking, fun games, and "adult beverages"...just an all-around great time with the girls. I was very relieved that it was going so smoothly, much better than I had expected given all of the different personalities, morals, and outlooks we were dealing with...a success!

Until I stepped out to make a quick phone call and heard this from the other room:

"So, I talked to [FIANCE] and he said that they would most appreciate it if people pray for them." (I thought, oh, how sweet -- that's really cool, and what a nice thing to ask people to do, figuring she was simply asking them to include the couple in their daily prayers or whatever....) The girl continued: "So if we could all bow our heads..." (I'm Christian, so I believe in God and I pray, but I also believe there are certain times it's OK not to pray...like a bachelorette party.)

All of the laughter and energy and fun got sucked out of the room...you could almost hear it. As soon as she was done, people jumped up, grabbed their stuff, and left.

I think if she had wanted to pray, it could have been done before dinner because the "party" part hadn't really started; it would have been much more appropriate time-wise and just as nice.

I wanted to run in and yell "Stop! Stop! You're stabbing the fun to death!" But of course I was able to contain myself. AND got the stink-eye from my sister for not participating...just call me a heathen. :)

So here's my question -- what's your take on praying at a bachelorette? A do or a don't?
If yes, when during the festivities would you say it's a do? A don't? Am I way off base here???

Match.com Update: At Least He's Got Options! and... I'm Back! And, Happy Friday!!

2009-05-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

I have been quite delinquent with blogging of late, and I have missed it and you all terribly...just toooooo much going on in the "real" world -- good stuff, just busy! (Luckily for you all, the busy-ness did generate some unbelievable stories. I can't wait to share with you, AND hear your thoughts on them! (Code for: Please confirm that I'm not the crazy one...! hahaha))

Anyway, I wanted to check-in and wish you all a fabulous Friday, and update the Match.com situation. (As I mentioned before, Mr. Perfect's account is live for a few more weeks through some weird Match.com cancellation policy yadda yadda yadda.)

I got the following e-mail from Mr. Perfect yesterday afternoon (identifying details have been changed, of course):

"Ummmm, now what do I do?!"

From: <naughtynurse816@talkmatch.com>
Subject: FWD: Match.com: [Mr. Perfect], you caught her attention!

Naughty Nurse 816

AGE, CITY, STATE

Naughty noticed you in her
Daily 5 – and she’s interested.

[ACTIVITY] is an interest for both of you.

You both find [BEHAVIOR] a turn-on.

You both love [ACTIVITY.]

Then, as we were watching TV last night his phone buzzed with an e-mail. He glanced at it -- "Oh! There's another one!"

And another one this morning! Quite the lady's man, my husband.....hahaha!

We realized yesterday that all of his current/real info is still up there from when he had set up the profile years ago...so we will be having some fun with it over the next few weeks. I think "Just married, but show me what you got" or "She shrinks my clothes - can you do better?" have a nice ring to them, no?

Can't wait to see what the reactions are...rest assured I'll share them with you.

In the meantime, at least he knows he's got options if he starts to despise my cooking!

Dr. Doolittle

2009-05-09T17:06:00.001-07:00

We have been talking more and more lately about getting another dog (Dog II?!), and at this point it's just a matter of finding what we're looking for. (Yippee!!!) The other night I was using the restroom at home, and Mr. Perfect was in the family room with Dog.

While I was away, he had the following conversation with her:

Mr. Perfect (to Dog): "So, do you want a buddy?... How about a pal?... Would you like that?... Somebody to keep you company while we're at work? So you won't be by yourself all day."

Dog: "Rarrrarrorororaoroaoro." [Belly rubs from Mr. Perfect]

Mr. Perfect: "So you want a friend? Maybe that would give you something to do with all of that energy?! Whaddya think? Does that sound fun? How about a boy? We've got to even out the score here...maybe some guy time for me? You know, just the guys...hangin' out...you know, guy time! 'Cause, you know you're one of the guys, but we need to get some real guy time..." !

Guy time?! With our [future] [most likely] male dog? Adorable. I can only imagine what I'll over hear when we have kids...!

Can't wait.

:)

Stranger Danger!

2009-05-07T07:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Dog,

Thank you for scaring away the strange man at the post office (who I now suspect was possibly just "mentally challenged" (what is the correct/PC term for that now?)) who was staring at me, and getting closer and closer to invading my personal space. Thank you for growling just enough that he backed off, and went outside.

Thank you, Dog, for picking up on all of this before I really did.

Thank you for having a bark that sounds like you'll rip someone's face off...when you really only wanting to lick them to pieces. They don't know that. :)

Thank you for being so protective of me and of Mr. Perfect -- our very own security detail.

You will get a Milkbone tonight...just because.

Love,
Mrs. Sitcom

Thank you, Sex Shop Worker

2009-05-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

So other day I ventured into uncharted waters (for me)...I visited an "erotic gift store" to see what I could find for my sister's bachelorette party.

Honestly, I went in because...I had a 50%-off and a 40%-off coupon!

Not having been to one before, I wasn't sure what it would be like, but I was expecting lingerie and some funny party favors/decorations for bachelorette parties...nothing too crazy.

My mistake.

When I walked in, I was immediately accosted by a man behind the counter who really considers himself "just one of the gals." I see.

He didn't quite understand the type of bachelorette I was shopping for (more slumber party, less Girls Gone Wild), so I said I was just going to look around and would let him know if i needed help.

And here's how it went:

Mrs. Sitcom: Oh my! that's a GIANT pile of condoms. Glittery pink dildo? No, no, that won't do. How about over here...Hmmm, I don't know that the "Mold Your Own [Hoo-Ha] Out of Chocolate" kit would really go over well with my "inexperienced" sister and her crowd.

(Side note: Let's say you somehow end up with said molding kit, and you actually molded your own hoo-ha -- which, lucky for you, the kit contains enough for not one but TWO molded chocolate hoo-ha's -- what on earth do you then do with it??? A gift for someone special perhaps? Mother's Day is rapidly approaching...nothing says "I Love You, Mom!" like a chocolate mold of your...WHAT?! Seems a little bizarre to me...not to mention the clean-up! Not that I'm judging...chocolate's chocolate. I'm just sayin'. :) )

Enter Sex Shop Worker, back with more helpful suggestions.
Mrs. Sitcom: What's that? Fill the penis straws with whipped cream, and then blow it out the top? Yeah...I'm not sure Jesus would approve.

Checking out a board game recommended by my new best friend.
Mrs. Sitcom: This looks like it could be fun....[flips box over]
Game: "Name a sexual experience with food."
Mrs. Sitcom: Hmmm...I imagine a lot of blank, red faces. Maybe not....

They didn't even have much [non-polyester] lingerie.

My (favorite?) part, though, was the grandfatherly man...shopping for crotchless panties with the help of the other salesperson. Right, then.

And ultimately, they were out of the one item I had gone in search of: penis-shaped candles. Klassy, understated, and discreet enough for even the most virginal of brides...just enough to generate a few giggles.

So there I was in the middle of the sex shop, thinking "I JUST WANT PENIS [candles]!"

Which is probably their plan all along.

:)

And The Oscar For Fastest Creation of Mass Hysteria Goes to:

2009-05-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

SWINE FLU!

I know it's got the potential for being scary, but the hysteria just seems a little overblown, especially since it appears to be just another strain of the regular flu.

I think Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of NYC, said it best -- I can't find the exact quote but it was something like this: "People are getting sick...and then they're getting better."

Here are two photos I've seen recently, and just had to share with you all. Enjoy!

PS Happy Cinco de ~~Drinko~~ Mayo to you all! Have yourself another margarita or shot of tequila...should take care of that swine flu no problem!

eBay Extravaganza!!!!

2009-05-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday, everyone!

Not sure how many of you use eBay, but I've had a love-hate relationship with it -- loooove the incredible deals, hate because it's so easy to get hooked!

Anyway, I needed a few new things for the warmer weather, and with the rece$$ion I decided I'd give eBay a shot to minimize the guilt!

I "won" a few dresses a couple of weeks ago and have been anxiously waiting for them to arrive (hence the reason I was considering driving to the mailbox in the rain the other night -- I just. couldn't. wait. for them to get here!), so you can imagine how excited I was when I checked the mail yesterday and found not one but TWO packages!!!!

I ripped them open as soon as I got in the door --both fit perfectly, were brand-new with tags, and are SO cute!

Here's the first one, more geared for work:

It's a silk Banana Republic wrap dress with a detachable under-slip, great-quality fabric and fun print. Super comfortable, and really, really flattering. I have a feeling I will be wearing this one a LOT in the coming months. The black-and-white print is so versatile -- it will work with so many other colors -- bright pink, turquoise, apple green, red, yellow? I'll definitely pair it with red shoes for summer!

And here's the other one:

It's one of the J Crew embossed beach dresses -- I've always loved them but didn't want to pay full price. It will be perfect for cocktails on restaurant patios this summer, dinners with Mr. Perfect, even walks with the dog -- it's cool, cute, and comfortable! I love that you can dress it up or down, it will go with all sorts of colors, metal or colored jewelry, even animal-print heels would look great!

I want to get a bright-colored cardigan to wear over them -- I'm thinking a turquoise, apple green, or bright pink would be cute and fun, and would actually work with both dresses.

eBay, here I come.....!

My Hairy Troll Wart Must Have Been Showing

2009-04-30T10:19:00.001-07:00

Mrs. Newlywed and MRM referenced the site textsfromlastnight.com yesterday, so of course I had to check it out. I'm hooked! Mr. Perfect and I may have stayed up wayyyyy too late last night reading the entries and laughing like a pair of hyenas. (Nice image, no?!)

This one in particular caught my attention:

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not

...mainly because I got worried that someone was spying on me ~~four years ago~~.

Here's why:

A few years back, I went out to a bar with my best friend and her boyfriend one Saturday night, and we met up with some of his work friends. The bar was really dark and really loud and really crowded -- i.e., really difficult to make small talk with people you don't know -- so we all kind of dispersed.

We were dancing and enjoying the cocktails, and eventually I needed to visit the ladies room. When I came back, my friend and the boyfriend weren't where I left them, so I started making my way around the dance floor, bar, restaurant, and patio to see if I could find them. On my second pass, I heard "Hey, I know you!"

I turned around to see a friend of one of my friend's boyfriend's work friends...I'll give you a minute on that one. He was in the group of people we met when we first got there, but honestly I had probably walked by him a few times already...oops! :)

I couldn't find my friend and since this good-looking, seemingly intelligent man was showing interest, I stopped to chat. We ended up laughing and joking around for the rest of the night. He was very funny, seemed smart, easy to be around, and even mentioned that he was going to church the next morning. Say it with me: "Awwww."

Yep, sounded like a great guy. I didn't even realize how long we'd been talking until the lights came on in the bar, and my friend ran up saying "THERE you are!" :) Oh yes, we closed the bar down, because that's how we roll~~ed in college and liked to pretend we still could.~~

It came out that he didn't have a ride home, so my friend winked at me and offered to give him one (she's a great wing-woman). It was a short drive from the bar to his building, and just before we got there he pulled out his phone and asked for my number.

How exciting!

The next morning we went out for ~~greasy hangover food~~ brunch and got to chatting about the adventures of the night before and my mystery man, speculating if he'd call, when he'd call, would we go out, would it amount to anything, and so on and so forth....I didn't even care if anything happened, it had just been so much fun to meet a nice guy and have him ask for my number.

Over the next couple of weeks, Bar Guy popped into my head a couple of times, but he didn't call, and I didn't spend much time on it. I love the line from one of Cat Stevens' songs: "And if you never hear from him, it just means he didn't call." Of course I wouldn't have complained if he called, I just wasn't going to stress about it.

After a couple of weeks, it seemed pretty apparent he wasn't going to call, and that was that. Nexxxtt! :)

Fast forward a month. I get a missed call on my cell from an area code I've never heard of, complete with voicemail. When I check said voicemail, I hear "Hi Mrs. Sitcom (it was of course Miss Sitcom at the time), this is Bar Guy, just calling to say hi, so give me a call back if you want when you get a chance."

So I called him back, he was at work but wanted to know when I could chat later -- I told him what time I got off work and he said he'd call, friendly and nice and funny as I remembered. An hour before work was over, he called me back...apparently a timing problem. Given that he'd waited a month to call, I figured he could wait an hour and called him on my way home from work.

And so started the weirdest conversation of my life thus far:

Miss Sitcom: Hey Bar Guy, it's Miss Sitcom, how are you?
Bar Guy: Heyyyyy, ahhhh, hi, how's it going?
Miss Sitcom: Good good just got off work, driving home....
Bar Guy: Ok, yeah, ah, tell me again where you work?
Miss Sitcom: Company Name Here
Bar Guy: Right, that's right, I remember that.
Miss Sitcom: Yeeeaah...
Bar Guy: And, um, ahhhh...where do you live again?
Miss Sitcom: Old Town
Bar Guy: Oh yeah, that's right.
Miss Sitcom: Are you familiar with the area?
Bar Guy: No, no not really.
Miss Sitcom: Ok...
Bar Guy: So, listen, ahhh...forgive me....ahhh, remind me...umm, tell me again... where it is that we met?
Miss Sitcom: [in my head] WHAT? Who is this guy?
Miss Sitcom: [out loud] At Bar? In City? With Best Friend and Boyfriend and Work Friend?
Bar Guy: Oh yeah, yeah! I remember, that's right.
Miss Sitcom: [in my head] What is going on?
Bar Guy: And, ahhh...when was that again?
Miss Sitcom: About a month ago...
Bar Guy: Right, right. Whoops, hold on, I've got another call, let me take it and I'll come right back to you...

And he hung up!

So he had NO idea who I was, where we had met, nothing! He basically called to find out why my number was in his phone. Really?!

If you found a random number for a guy/girl in your phone, would you really rather have the "How do I know you again?" conversation than just let it go?! :)

I was so glad he hadn't called sooner!

Given his proclivity for detective work, maybe he should have been a P.I. Come to think of it, I can't remember what he did for a living.

Think I should call him to find out?!

:)